Wednesday, May 4

Crazed Asylum Worker Vandalizes Newspaper Office



A staff member of the Murgham Asylum willfully and unlawfully damaged the back steps of the New Babbage Free Press office on Tuesday evening. Witnesses state that Dr. Rance Veterinarian began pulling apart the staircase in a frenzy of shouting and frantic activity, and despite his obvious age and infirmity pulled away several of the stair treads before running away towards the pumping station.
“He was acting all nervous and crazy-like” a local urchin was heard to say.
The readers should know that your local newspaper will not be deterred by this wanton attack on the Fourth Estate, and will not rest until the perpetrator is brought to justice for his crimes.

Pugh Lister, Staff Reporter NBFP

Tuesday, February 16

Rescue Team Disappears in the North




WULDRAM SHORES — Who rescues a rescue mission?  Mr Pendle, of the Clockhaven Wireless Telegraph Service, has confirmed that the CWTS has lost all contact with the rescue expedition which was launched to attempt to aid Dr A Falkone of the Clockhaven Power Station.

Dr Falkone journeyed north alone some weeks ago, via the airship Carpetia, attempting to ascertain why contact was lost with the northern Aquila IX Station in Wuldram Shores.  Shortly thereafter, New Babbage also lost contact with Dr Falkone.

In response, a rescue mission was formed, though an certain air of mystery surrounded the effort. Attempts by the Free Press to discover precisely who were members of the rescue team were firmly rebuffed by members of City Hall.  Eye-witness reports, however, have suggested Mr J Rite, head of security at the Murgam Asylum, and Miss B Strifkly, an orderly at the Murgam Asylum, were very strong candidates.  Mr Carnagak, owner of the Murgam Asylum, could not be reached for comment as to how the asylum was involved in the rescue effort, at the time of publishing.

Whether or not Captain B Hinreeks, of the New Babbage Militia, was a member of the now missing rescue party could not be confirmed.  Mr R Bolono of Wheatstone, volunteer member of the New Babbage Militia, was quoted as saying "I will not say for certain that [Cpt. Hinreeks] is not here, and I will not say for certain that she is here, but I really will not say she is not here."

Mr Pendle of the CWTS said he lost contact with the rescue team when they encountered another airship in an ice storm in the Hildskal Mountains, but would not confirm pirates were involved.

A representative of City Hall told the New Babbage Free Press that there are currently no plans to form another rescue team.

Thursday, February 11

Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor,
Why is it that city officials are allowed to pull manifest destiny on a private business?  I cannot tolerate to buy business and harassment of my customers, not to mention the staff, NOT MINE, helping themselves to my stock every time I have to go in the back room.
sincerely, Piss Out Of Clockhaven

Dear Free Press,

Is there anything happening on Valentine's day? At all? I'm starting to get worried that something dreadful might happen soon, and am in need of some light-hearted merriment. As it stands, Valentine's day is only 3 days away, so perhaps that would be a good day to have fun.
Signed, Concerned Citizen

Dear Mr. Penrose, et al.
I am not typically the sort to complain or express moral outrage despite what people may say at the bingo hall. Nevertheless I feel it is my duty as a concerned citizen to both complain and express my moral outrage at a most egregious affront I was forced to endure in the park this afternoon at the hands of a hooligan wearing a ridiculous Pickelhaube helmet.
I want to state very clearly—I in no way encouraged this attack upon my dignity. With spring now upon us I was enjoying a quiet walk with my little shih tzu, Sue. The park has always been our go-to spot for an afternoon relief walk. I was aware Master Eliot was running his annual pancake race just up the road. It must be nearing a decade since that young absinthe enabler started organizing the pre-lent event. I would have watched but it is my understanding gambling often occurs at these races so I keep a respectful distance.
But I digress; the afternoon was beautiful. Sue and I were in our bliss when this madman  (who I have little doubt was a foreigner), brandishing a frying pan, screamed at me to get out of his way. He was running right at Sue and I. It was terrifying; he looked like one of those crazy people that are rightfully locked up in the asylum. I stood my ground. I’m not one to be cowed by bullies. I planted my hands on my hips and said, ‘Sir you will address me as Madame and doff your silly hat. I am a lady.’ It was then that he did it, he made a rude hand gesture and said words that moral righteousness will not permit me to put in writing—and the cad said those foul words in front of my shih tzu, Sue! Has he no shame? What in the name of the Builder has come of New Babbage!
Sincerely, Ms. Agnes Donoghue, Concerned Citizen

Hey Free Press,
A little birdie told me that a certain sneaky squire has left the Gangplank. I hear he quit his job as a bartender and ran off to work somewhere else. Sounds like a lead, don't you agree?

Wednesday, February 10

Annual Pancake Race Marred By Cheating Claims




New Babbage, NB  — The annual Pancake Toss Race was held again yesterday afternoon in the Canals District, at Doyle's Place, directly in front of Ruby's Public House.  This year's race was a circuit of the circumference of Steampunk Park.

The race, as is usual, was held in three sub-races, those being: Children's Race; Adult's Race; and All-In-One.

The Children's Race, and the All-In-One, were won by young master Jimmy Bracket, who has won several times in the past. "Oy's oike ta thank everyone faw their support awl year." he told a reporter of the Free Press yesterday afternoon, directly after his win.

The Adult's Race was the subject of some controversy, as charges of cheating were bandied by some in the crowd.  The winner of the race was ostensibly one Mr R Boloney of Wheatstone, though some have challenged his win, claiming he cut through the park during the run.  "It is quite true, I saw him duck into the park after having some trouble getting a good speed up after the shout of go was called." said a Mr R Upton of Babbage Square, to a representative of the Free Press.

"Nonsense." said Mr R Boloney, himself.  "They're all just jealous. Is it a cash prize?"

Saturday, January 30

Underby Addresses Corruption Scandal

The New Babbage Free Press received this statement today:

As should come as no surprise, I am the owner of many companies throughout our fair city.  For this reason, it would be near impossible for any business to transpire in this city, without my being involved to some capacity.  This is not corruption, this is the burden of being overly philanthropic.  The newspaper needs to sell paper and charges of corruption move units, that does not make a charge true.
Mr Osgoode Underby, Personal Assistant and Advisor to the Mayor

Thursday, January 28

Construction Corruption at the Top




New Babbage, NB — After an extended investigation, which lasted close to twenty-eight days, Town Hall has finally been officially designated as condemned by the city investigators, and scheduled for demolition.

"It is, indeed, a true shame that Town Hall could not officially open before it was scheduled for demolition."said Mr O Undorby to a representative of the Free Press earlier today, referring to the constant construction of the current Town Hall, which has been ongoing for the last two years, for unknown reasons.  When asked to comment on the unfinished state of the soon-to-be-demolished Town Hall, the assistant to the mayor chose to refrain from answering.

A source close to Town Hall, who asked to go unnamed, told a reporter from the Free Press that "the whole operation stinks" and that we should "follow the money trail".  Following this lead, the Free Press investigated the scheduled demolition company for Town Hall, Angry Eris Demolition of the Babbage Canals.  Ownership of the demolition company is recorded in city records as Thunderclap Holding Company.  Curiously enough, the principle shareholder of Thunderclap Holding Company is Mr O Undorby, the assistant to the mayor, Mosefano Tenk.

The Free Press decided to dig farther back and looked into O'Moloch Construction, the company responsible for the ubiquitous construction of the current soon-to-be demolished Town Hall, and found that the company was owned by a Maurice O'Moloch until five years ago, when O'Moloch mysteriously disappeared.  Ownership then transferred to the benefactor of O'Moloch's estate, curiously one Mr O Undorby, the assistant to the mayor, Mosefano Tenk.

Requests for comment have thus far been ignored by the office of the assistant to the mayor.

Wednesday, January 27

Wealthy Socialite Disappears in Bump




New Babbage, NB — Wealthy socialite Aldous Steamweaver, of the Palisade District, disappeared yesterday in the remote northern town of Bump.  He had allegedly travelled to the small town as an "elephant hunting" expedition, as the wealthy apparently refer to what is colloquially known as "slumming".

Steamweaver was traveling with his golfing partner, Efram Tripsa, who reported him missing after entering Bump Central Hotel, yet never exiting.  "[Aldous] went in to rent some suites for the two of us, and never returned.  After two hours or so I entered, enquiring as to his whereabouts.  The owners of the hotel fairly pretended he had never met Aldous!  I fear I am lucky to have escaped with my life!"

Rumors that unspeakable horrors take place  in the town of Bump have run rampant for years, though authorities have never officially investigated any disappearances.

Mrs E Crinkle of Babbage Square, of the New Babbage League of Social Welfare and Reform, claims this is another example of the jarringly different classes of our sooty city, "Many of our citizens have gone missing in Bump over the years, this is no secret... but not until a Steamweaver disappeared did it make the papers."

The New Babbage Militia is sending representatives to Bump to investigate the disappearance of Aldous Steamweaver further.  Captain Hienrix could not be reached for comment, as she is currently on an expedition to the far north.

Sunday, January 24

Frigid Temperatures Plunge Further



NEW BABBAGE, NB — The mercury all around the city has dipped well below average temperatures for this time of the year, reaching a record low late in the afternoon today, causing worry to some citizens.

Both young unfortunate urchins, who wildly roam the city streets in surprising droves, and the perpetually confused, are particularly susceptible to plummeting temperatures at this time of the year, according to an official at City Hall.  The official also added that the best solution to combating the weather is to simply stay indoors, and citizens should 'take extra care bundling and not move from the extremes of fireside temperatures to outdoors too quickly to reduce shock and stress.'

A local doctor, however, suggests an alternate method: imbibing of strong liquors.  Dr S Thornly, originally of Coney Island NY, suggests 'alcoholic liquor is scientifically proven to raise body temperature and sharpen senses', both which, he claims, are useful tools against the biting cold.

The mayor's office asks citizens to be on the lookout for His Imperial Majesty Ezra II during the cold snap, as he has a tendency to fall asleep in snow drifts whilst inspecting local gutters.

Friday, January 22


I saw you place the flowers on mother's grave. I told you you were NEVER to visit! the canal still counts.  Stay away, cad. —Eugenia
L.- The pies are not human flesh, but they taste just the same.
Tinies! Tiny furballs everywhere! They want our waffles.
"Wretch" - come take me. — LV
CROSSEYES - will be in the park with friend on Saturday afternoon.  Bring money, or all will go south.
Ezra, we can't live forever. Why waste the time we have left? —A
P-I hate lying to you, but you are my only friend. You can't read this anyway. —C
Thank you for that mark at the Bucket, they would have broken my legs. —RD
All is forgiven; I will explain
Deer-how about the sacredness of your marriage vows now? I see your marriage announced. signed, JEERS
RB get out of town —everyone
This Sunday afternoon at the Sparrow? Same as usual.
Thou shall not steal —Bloom
Those dogs must go! I can't stand them any longer!
I enjoyed your visit on Friday afternoon.  Let me know if you enjoyed my short visit. Write same place you know.  NAUGHTY BOY.
Count Bologna- Where are your peers, the Viscount Salami and the Baron of Beef-Dip?
F.M. should be strung up by his heels in the Market Square. All the church fathers should be.  I believe in the Builder, level be thy plane, but the church is corrupt.
Eyebrows, hoping to see hide or hair of you soon — Hair Dye
Call and see the doctor at 999
EJ: i got new rope, bring me the ______—KF

Thursday, January 21


WANTED:   Landscape gardener for extensive installation and maintenance of hotel grounds.  Apply noon to 2pm to Lady J. Moldylocks at Essex House Hotel, Wheatstone Waterways.  References required.

Orderlies needed for Murgam Asylum.  Must be strong and able to follow instruction.  Contact Dr Vartarian, Murgam Asylum, 33 New Street, Wheatstone Waterways.

WANTED:  Young strapping lads willing to perform strenuous manual labor, no questions asked.  Must be discrete.  Contact Dr M Miggins, Jefferson Way Mortuary, Babbage Square.

NEED: Bottle of Chateau d'Yquem Sauternes wine 1787, unopened.  Willing to pay a princely sum!  Contact R Bologna at Essex House Hotel, Wheatstone.

From AZ to LK