An Open Letter to PJ

The New Babbage Free Press was delivered the following letter from an anonymous source, with instructions that it be posted in the afternoon edition.

An Open Letter to PJ

It has come to the attention of many citizens that you have threatened to crush the New Babbage Militia, and to further destroy the city ‘heroes’ you named, in specific one Beryl Strifeclaw.

You can have the cat, but you cannot have the city. His death will not stop us from our task.

Know this, with certainty. The men and women of the militia will not be crushed, deterred, or dissuaded from its mission to defend and protect the city. The loss of one individual will not stop the people of the city from doing their duty to hearth and home.

If you want our city, come try and take it.

Publius Publicola

Volunteer of Militia.

This reporter made inquiries at City Hall as to the receipt of any 'official' threats against the city as a whole, and was advised by a high placed official that none have been delivered. As always, the Free Press will be vigilant to any breaking stories.

Destruction in Coronet Gardens

BUILDINGS FLATTENED

CITIZENS REPORT CAVORTING MONSTER

CHURCH FATHER DESCRIBES CITIZENS AS "PATHETIC"

NEW BABBAGE, NB — A victory for the Coronet Gardens Improvement League, who have been pushing for much of the delapidated neighborhood to be demolished, was struck early Friday evening, though possibly not in the manner the league had originally intended.

At approximately seven in the evening, the future home of the Geographical Society on West Abney Parkway was destroyed in a massive explosion which leveled the entire building.  The reason for the explosion is currently unknown, though officials have suggested a gas main leak as the potential cause.

Flying debris from the concussion soon leveled a condemned warehouse on the opposite side of Abney Parkway, next to the Bucket of Blood public house.  Fortunately, both buildings were empty at the time of the explosion.

Suggestions that the destruction was due to a large capering monstrosity were quickly nipped in the bud by Father Ora Moonwoll of the New Babbage Church of the Builder, who was an eye witness to events.  "The utter perfection of the Builder's work is not sufficiently exciting for some of our more pathetic citizens, who must always believe some diabolical force is behind every tragedy." he was quoted as stating earlier today.

Cleanup crews are being assembled at City Hall, and those needing day labor are encouraged to sign up with Mr R Dorchester at City Hall.

Train Derailment South of Falun

TRAIN STRUCK BY UNKNOWN OBJECT

WAGON OF HILLBILLIES NARROWLY MISSED

LOCALS SUSPECT GIANT CARNIVOROUS WORMS

THE FELLS, NB — Early yesterday morning the northbound train from New Babbage to Ouverberg was derailed just south of the small mining town of Falun, due to currently unknown circumstances.

Mere minutes before the train was scheduled to make a stop in Falun, and only moments before the derailment, a wagon filled with mountain folk crossed the tracks, narrowly missing being struck by the train.  'It looked like it were a family.' stated Mr E Howard, engineer of the train.

This wagon was not, however, the reason for the derailment, according to Howard: 'Came close, but the wagon made it across.  T'was a damn fool thing to do, to be sure, but they made it.  Just.  Lucky for them we was slowing down for Falun.  T'was after that we got hit from the side.' [sic]

Eyewitness accounts differ on what exactly struck the train, though all seem to agree that the train was struck by something.  Some have claimed to have witnessed a gargantuan snake slithering rapidly across the tundra, while several others described it as a man-made clockwork devise.  All agree that whatever it was, the coloring was distinctly black; this has resulted in some claiming the incident to be final confirmation for the local legends of the carnivorous black worms, which allegedly dwell in the emptier regions of the Fells.

Whatever struck the train was apparently unharmed enough to exit the scene before anyone could get a proper look, amidst the chaos of the derailment.  Little evidence was seemingly left behind, but the Free Press is assured that experts from New Babbage have already been dispatched to investigate.

No substantial injuries were incurred during the impact, and cleanup of the site is expected to take several days, at least.  The current supposition being advanced at the scene is that the wagon of mountain folk were being pursued by whatever struck the train.  This theory has been, as of yet, unconfirmed by officials at the location of the accident.

Office Damaged In Piscine Attack

ROGUE FISH NAMED AS CULPRITS

OFFICIALS MUM ON STRUCTURAL INSTABILITY

Wheatstone Waterways, NB – The local patent office of the City-State of New Babbage was the scene of a horrific incident that left the building in a shambles. The east and west walls of the office were blown asunder by an as yet unnamed force. A local resident who rushed to the scene of the incident stated that the devastation was unbelievable, and that there was the undeniable stink of fish in the air.

This reporter surveyed the scene and was astounded as to the amount of damage to the building. It was also noted that the foundation around the office was beginning to settle into the canal. City officials at the location were rapidly making preparations to move any of the assets of the office to a safe location that could still be managed to be saved.

A local scientist of some renown who gave a statement to the Free Press on an agreement of anonymity said that in his estimation the attack was caused by a rogue school of flying fish who found their way into the canals of the city and became confused.

 Officials remain tight-lipped and as yet have not made a statement in regards to the incident, or to what measures the city would go to protect the citizenry from this new aquatic threat.

Feral Dogs Run Amok

SEWERS TEEMING WITH ROGUE PESTS

CITY OVERRUN WITH LOST PETS

CLOCKHAVEN, NB. The placid passing of evening was shattered last night by the baying of a lost and lonely dog apparently trapped in the sewer system. The lonely and verbal hound was heard from every drain and gutter within Clockhaven during the twilight hours yesterday.

A source close to City Hall stated that feral animals running at large have been allowed to populate the city’s sewer system unchecked for many years, and no effort has been made to stem the tide of all those unwelcome vermin living beneath the streets.

Several citizens patronizing a local drinking establishment told the Free Press that the dog continued to bark late into the evening, despite efforts by concerned people to locate and quiet the sounding hound.

Hobo Epidemic In Canal District

HOBOS ROAM CANAL DISTRICT STREETS

CLAIM THEY ARE BEING PREYED UPON

DUNSANY INSTITUTE TO BLAME?

NEW BABBAGE, NB — Sources in the Canal District have been reporting a startlingly higher than usual number of hobos and transients cluttering up the neighborhood in the south part of the city.

A city worker who wished to remain nameless has suggested that these same transients generally maintain a low profile during daylight hours, instead preferring to remain hidden beneath the city streets in hidden tunnels and sewer systems.  He refrained from speculating as to what might have led these usually solitary creatures to begin roaming the once safe streets during the day.

One of the transients, however, who would only identify himself to the Free Press as "Stubby" has claimed, 'There be things moved into the area now, yes.  They whisper, and if you ain't tirely [sic] careful, they'll eat you.  Sure enough.'  When asked who he thought was preying on the transients, he replied that it was "Dunsany Folk".

The Dunsany Institute was a medical establishment in the borough of Clockhaven, which closed its doors many years ago.

Landmark Collapses in Port Babbage

SECOND SINKHOLE SWALLOWS STORE

MORE MORLOCK MAYHEM?

NEW BABBAGE, NB — For the second time in as many weeks, a second structure in the city has succumbed to a mysterious collapse due to foundational instability. The Courteous Seamstress, located at the corner of Abney Parkway and Savory Street fell victim to the insidious threat of subterranean weakness that claimed the Wexholm Emporium in Clockhaven.

This is the latest in a series of incidents involving some sort of seismic activity that seems to have its locus in the eastern part of the city. City officials would give no official comment on the disaster, other than to say the investigation into the matter was ongoing and would be conducted with thoroughness. The citizens remain unsure and very wary of when the next collapse may occur.

Building Collapses In Clockhaven

BUILDING CRUMBLES INEXPLICABLY

WORK OF RUMORED MORLOCKS?

PROPRIETOR CURRENTLY MISSING

NEW BABBAGE, NB — The soft winter silence of the borough of Clockhaven was disturbed late yesterday afternoon by the complete and utter collapse of Wexholm's Emporium on Prince Dakkar Blvd, which fell in on itself, taking a large portion of the sewer system with it.

Low ominous rumbling sounds and minor quakes have been plaguing the east end of New Babbage for close to a month.  Those who had hoped the sounds and tremors were merely remnants of the January Marsh Gas were dismayed to discover otherwise yesterday, as the ground suddenly yawned open, taking the entire structure down with it.

Despite the collapse transpiring in mid-afternoon, it seems fortunate that no customers have been reported as injured or missing, though Emporium proprietor Mr B Wexholm is currently reported as missing.

City officials would give no official comment on the disaster, apart from the investigation being ongoing, though many have stated to the Free Press that the land beneath Clockhaven is honeycombed with passages and tunnels.  "It's a wonder the whole neighborhood didn't go down," stated one citizen, who wished to remain nameless.

Who Is The Straw Man?

BOMBER WORKED FOR CRIME LORD

SHADOWY FIGURE KNOWN ONLY AS THE STRAW MAN

MILITIA POWERLESS TO STOP HIM?

NEW BABBAGE, NB — The North Fells Track Bomber, Mr E Grady of Phaeton's Landing, was merely a contract worker for a New Babbage villain known only as 'The Straw Man', the New Babbage Free Press has learned, through a trusted source.

Few details about the arrest and interrogation of the bomber have been released to the press since his arrest last month -largely lost in the abject madness and confusion of what has come to be known, ominously, as Marsh Gas January- but the a trusted source has stated that while the Militia was able to squeeze very little information from the bomber, they were able to ascertain the nom de plume  of the entity who the dangerous gentleman worked for, someone known in the underground as The Straw Man.

Allegedly the bomber never met The Straw Man face to face, and so cannot comment on who this shadowy figure may be, or even what his intentions are, twisted though they may be.

The New Babbage Militia was unavailable for comment at the time of printing.

Pancake Race Stolen By Clockwork

CHILDREN'S RACE WON BY HOMELESS GIRL

ADULT'S RACE WON BY LEGGY WOMAN

CROWD CALLS CLOCKWORK'S WIN 'A FIX'

NEW BABBAGE, NB — The annual pancake toss race was held again yesterday afternoon in the Academy of Industry district of New Babbage.  This was the third race of its kind, which is held each year on Shrove Tuesday, commonly known as 'Pancake Tuesday'.

Attendance was impressive as crowds flocked to witness the race which was, as always, held in three parts, those being: The Children's Race, The Adult's Race, and finally, the Adult and Children's Race.

The winner of the Children's Race was a young lady by the name of Miss P Flack of Falun, whilst the winner of the Adult's Race was the mercurial Miss G Saltery of England.  The winner of the Adult and Children's Race, meanwhile, was a clockwork known as 'Primary Gears' of parts unknown.

Some in the crowd questioned whether there ought be a race strictly for clockworks and automatons, as with their flawless mechanical parts they present an unfair advantage over the hardworking humans who bring them into existence.  This may well be, but the Free Press would suggest that since no prizes were awarded the event was all in fun and should remain in such a spirit.

Mysterious Vapor Envelopes City

MARSH GAS DRIFTS IN FROM FELLS

MASS HALLUCINATIONS ALLEGEDLY WIDESPREAD

CORONER CLAIMS HYPERBOLIOSIS IS 'TWADDLE'

NEW BABBAGE, NB — If modern science can be believed, a curiously pernicious vapor drifted recently into the city of New Babbage, causing wild and widespread hallucinations in its citizens.  This mist, it is said, is to blame for the questionable decisions leading to the recent curfews and the bizzarre and extreme reactions which followed.

The hallucinations are apparently the result of a condition known as hyperboliosis, which was caused by extensive inhalation of vapors believed to have originated in the Fells, north of the city.  The effects, according to Dr S Thornley, are wild hallucinations and extremem reactions to the hallucinations.

'Mass hallucinations are not at all uncommon.  The good news is, no permanent damage has ever been reported connected with hyperboliosis,' he said earlier today to a representative of the Free Press, and continued, 'however, it is important for citizens to maintain a skeptical attitude toward any memories they may harbor about the last 30 days or so.'

Dr M Miggins —New Bababge Coroner and physician for over 25 years— claims not to be familiar with any condition, defect, or disease, known as hyperbolios.  He stated, 'It doesn't mean anything.  The word is meant to sound greek, but it's nonsensical twaddle. There is no such condition.'

Regardless, vaccinations will be available, gratis, at City Hall throughout the first week of February.

Reporter Locked Out Of Office

NEWSPAPER SHUT DOWN

4th ESTATE COMPROMISED

RETURN OF REGULAR SERVICE IMMINENT

NEW BABBAGE, NB — The madness of the recent weeks in the city reached its crescendo late last week, when Mr B Heed —owner and proprietor of the Bucket of Blood Public House on Abney Parkway West, in the borough of Coronet Gardens— changed the locks on the offices of the New Babbage Free Press, which shares the same property.

Mr O Penrose —publisher, editor-in-chief, and primary reporter for the New Babbage Free Press— was quoted as stating, 'It started with Mr Mornington and his annex, then the folks at the Gangplank jumped in.  It wasn't long before Mr Heed named his property Bucket Land.'

Based on the inked refuse left behind in the offices, now re-opened thanks to the Mayor's Office, it is thought that Mr Heed attempted to publish his own newspaper in the interim, but was unable to properly engage the delicate and complicated equipment therein.

While the damages to the office itself were significant, the long-term damage to the essential machinery was minimal and Mr Penrose assures the Free Press that the Free Press will be up and running at regular speed forthwith.

WANT AD:

Sought: 
1. Salvagers, to remove ruins of ominous old occultist hall and any attendant gods (as is practical).  Must provide own steam crane.

2.  Reclaimed lumber, glass, fixtures and other housing materials, for new construction.

3.  Ordained cleric, to bless foundation of ominous old occultist hall in preparation for new construction.  Must be qualified to exorcise and/or evict any lingering deities, spirits, nightmares, dinosaurs, crabs, assassins, zombies, or other manifestations of evil as appropriate or necessary.

4.  Construction gang.  Must provide own tools.  May camp as necessary.

Pay:
Negotiable in each category.  Please note that there will be no loss-of-immortal-soul benefit paid to survivors.  Bid at your own risk.

Please enquire with Miss Juniper Ginsburg, on behalf of her aunt Mrs Abigail Sharp, at the Gangplank Public House, 6225 Prince Dakkar Boulevard, Clockhaven, New Babbage NB

Second Open-Skulled Corpse Discovered

SECOND BRAIN EXPOSED

SCIENTIFIC EXPERIMENTATION SAID TO BE REASON

CORONER BLAMES BRAIN ENTHUSIAST

NEW BABBAGE, NB — The second body with its skull sawn open to reveal exposed brain matter has been discovered in as many weeks.

The body was discovered by young Miss Z Thibido, late yesterday afternoon near Santos Dumont Park in the Babbage Square District.  As with the first open-skulled corpse, scientific experiments seem to have been inflicted on the corpse whilst still living.

'The experimentation on this corpse is much more pronounced and extensive.' stated city coroner Dr M Miggins, to a representative of the Free Press, and further stated, 'It appears whomever is performing these operations was interrupted the first time, but was able to finish whatever they were attempting this time.'

The coroner stated that he did not wish to harbor a guess on potential suspects, but suggested it would likely be 'someone noted to have taken a peculiar interest in the human brain.'

Announcement From Acting Mayor Underby

NEW BABBAGE, NB — Acting mayor Mr O Underby — in lieu of Clockwinder Tenk — issued a statement to the press, earlier today:

Citizens of New Babbage,

It is with a heavy heart that I must now divulge priveleged information which I had promised myself I would never reveal.  Though my reputation is, to my utter sorrow, apparently permanently tarnished in the eyes of many in this community, I have always considered myself a man of honor.  As such, I intended to take the information I am about to impart to my grave with me.  However, the recent actions of Mr Mornington, have left me little choice: the very reason for Mayor Tenk's prolonged absense is Mr Mornington himself.

As can come as no surprise to those who have recently been following Mr Mornington's climb from popular and wealthy hotelier to deranged despot, much has been weighing on the man's mind.  It would weigh on anyone's mind to know within your very soul to be the cause of the misery you claim to alleviate.
Those who know well our hardworking mayor understand he entertains certain quirks of character.  Most overlook these quirks, since the pros so obviously outweigh the cons, when it comes to Clockwinder Tenk.  Mr Mornington, in his zeal for power, took his recent Christmas Buffet as an excuse to direly insult the mayor, sending the small man into a powerful rage.  As his trusted assistant, I attempted to console and alleviate the insult, but it could not be undone.

Tenk fled the city, fit to be tied.  I was left with the responsibilty of acting mayor, which no doubt caused great umbrage to the assistant mace holder of the city.
Despite what many claim, I take my responsibility as acting mayor with utmost seriousness.  I understand that there are several who consider my methods heavy-handed, draconian, and dictatorial.  Sadly, after much reflection, I must agree with them.

It is with maximum humility that I must acknowledge that my curfew plan was met with widespread derision, and not without good reason. It was a plan drawn up under diress, after receiving a mountain of correspondence from disparate citizens demanding something be done about the recent horrors which have afflicted our fine city.  Plans created under such circumstances are rarely successful, this one least of all. 

The initial plan was for a brief curfew, which would give time to investigate these heinous crimes, and hopefully keep the population safe whilst doing so.  However, Mornington took the opportunity to use his underworld connexions (which had been rumored, though never confirmed) to attempt to cripple an already delicate situation, by demanding citywide labor strikes which caused much strife and prolonged the curfew efforts.  These are clearly not the actions of someone with the best interests of the city at heart.

 Mr Mornington discovered that the city of New Babbage is not crushed so easily, however, as most public houses around the city made the best of the situation, setting up cots and caring for citizens through the long winter nights.  Mr Mornington's reaction to this solidarity and ingenuity? To pronounce himself Prime Minister of his own sovereign land.

For my part, I now realize how sloppily put together the initial curfew Night Patrol was, and wish to rectify the situation, whilst it may still be possible.  I have dissolved the original Night Patrol effective immediately, and already sworn in a plethora of new peace officers, young bright-eyed and optimistic officers who wish nothing but to aid and assist this city, to get it back on its feet so that it may be in better condition than it was left by Mayor Tenk, when he ultimately arrives back.  With the cooperation of the citizens, I am certain this investigation can be cleared up in next to no time.

Mornington will pay for his actions when Tenk returns, so I urge citizens to not attempt to take the law into their own hands, and to indulge the assistant mace holder in his delusions until he can be safely dealt with.

Humbly, and with great Humility,

Mr Osgoode Underby, Acting Mayor of the City-State of New Babbage