Night Watch Valiantly Protects Citizens

CREATURE CAVORTS THROUGH CITY

NIGHT WATCH PURUES HORRIBLE BEAST

ACTING MAYOR'S ORDER VINDICATED

NEW BABBAGE, NB — Wild and varying reports of attacks by a wild beast in the Babbage Square area inundated the office of the Free Press this morning.  According to sources, at least one large and terrifying animal rampaged, for an undisclosed amount of time, on city streets last evening during curfew.

Descriptions of the beast, by eye witnesses to the event, conflict drastically.  Some have described to reporters from the Free Press a man-shaped aquatic monstrosity, others a large mechanical rhinoceros, while still others depict the animal as a large creature of the lupine persuasion.

By all accounts, the lusus naturae was closely pursued through the dark quiet streets by members of the Night Watch, organized recently by upstanding acting mayor Mr O Onderby.  Several vollies of ammunition were discharged at the creature to keep it moving, resulting in some minor fires in the extreme — and potentially hazardous — clutter of the Port area.

'Couldn't help it, boxes and crates were everywhere.  We had to keep the monster moving toward the city gates.' stated Mr K Hoolihan, a member of the Night Watch.  Miss N Nimly, another member of the Night Watch, stated, 'Just goes to show that the Night Watch is necessary.  And those dock workers will get someone killed, if they keep this up.'

The dock workers went on illegal strike earlier this week, at the behest of wealthy citizen Mr V Morningtown, crippling the local economy and putting citizens at dangerous risk, should they choose to stroll through the increasingly congested area.  Mr Morningtown was unavailable for comment at the time of printing.

Curfew Strife Cripples City

CHAOS IN THE PORT

CITY CLAIMS LABORERS CANNOT BE PLEASED

ACTING MAYOR RETALIATES

NEW BABBAGE, NB — Heeding the ultimatum issued on Tuesday by prominent hotelier, Mr V Mornington, the dock workers at the New Babbage Port have officially gone on strike, bottlenecking all shipments in and out via the Vernian Sea.

Barrels bobbing in the frigid waters of the Port indicate the dire levels this strike has already reached, as the entire Port District is in utter and complete disarray with mountains of crates, barrels, boxes, and trunks having clogged up what is already a thoroughly congested area of the city. 'This will only get worse as time crawls on, believe me.  Think about it, this has only been one day.' stated Mr R Douglas of Clockhaven, a dock worker in the 'Swing Shift' division of labor.

Miss N Nymlet, a member of the ad hoc New Babbage Night Watch scoffed at the labor dispute, stating, 'There's no way to please the working man, it seems.  Either they complain that they have to work nights, or that they are not allowed to.'  When asked by a reporter from the Free Press how this matter might be cleared up, she suggested, 'It could be easily rectified if they would only hire more day labor.'

When questioned on rumors of members of the Night Watch taking bribes from citizens to be allowed passage on the streets after dark, Miss Nymlet responded, 'No comment.'

Mr O Underby, acting mayor — in lieu of Clockwinder Tenk — has still refused to comment to the Free Press, but in what some believe to be a form of response to the strike has closed down Cuffs Public House at the corner of Savory Street and Abney Parkway, a well-known social meeting place for the dock workers of the area.  The reason for the closing has not been made public, however a source within City Hall has suggested tax evasion may be a cause.

City Rife With Political Insubordination

CITY ERUPTS INTO CHAOS

ROYALTY ARRESTED BY ACTING MAYOR

UNDERBY AN ANARCHIST?

NEW BABBAGE, NB — Following the statement calling for citywide curfew made by acting mayor Mr O Underby — in lieu of Clockwinder Tenk, who is still unaccounted for — the city has erupted into outrage and indignation.

Citizens responded to the statement in a myriad of disparate manners, many by boldly marching en masse into the streets after dark, some by painting incendiary graffito on the walls of City Hall, and prominent hotelier Mr V Mornington issuing a stern ultimatum to the acting mayor.

Several arrests for curfew breaking were made, including a report that Her Royal Highness, Queen Victoria, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, Empress of India, and Defender of the Faith, was amongst those incarcerated in makeshift holding cells.

Assaults and beatings by the ad hoc night patrols were also reported.  A feline, who identified himself only as Joojoo, described the scene he witnessed thusly, 'Sticking to rooftops I got a grand view of the chaos. Watched a gang of the night watch beat up a drunk until he spewed across the cobbles.  Jolly good fun.'  When asked what he thought the final outcome of this misery might be, the feline responded, 'If Underby is fired when Tenk returns perhaps he can apply with that Tiny Scallion Group, he created some right proper anarchy last night.'

Reports of the monarch of England currently residing in New Babbage, in custody of city workers or otherwise, have as yet been unconfirmed by the Free Press, at the time of printing.  Mr O Underby was unavailable for comment.

Evolution Too Slow, Claims Local Scientist

ELECTRICITY AMPLIFIES BRAIN IMPULSES

UNIVERSE IS CHAOTIC

SCIENCE MARCHES ON

NEW BABBAGE, NB — If evolution can be likened to a perpetual motion machine, a local amateur scientist believes the device can be artificially accelerated.

Miss N Nymlet, of the Clockhaven district, has been experimenting with human brains, in the hope of enhancing them organically, thereby accelerating evolution.  'My hypothesis is that the brain works on electrical impulses.  If we can amplify these, then we can enhance the brain.' she stated, earlier today.

Two separate brains have already successfully communicated when flooded with electrical current, a result which she believes suggests human brains could be augmented permanently.

'Too long have we relied on nature for the evolution of the human brain.  We need to take charge of our evolution.  Nature is dirty, chaotic, and fickle.' she said to a reporter from the Free Press.

Impressionist artist, Mr E Placebo, agrees to an extent, 'The universe is chaotic.  It is dirty, cold, and indifferent to our wants and desires.'  He disagrees, however, that hastening evolution will improve the situation, 'Ultimately we die out and the world turns to dust.  In the end, what does any of it matter?'

Citizens may take heart that while nihilism is a thoroughly discredited school of philosophy, the advances of science continue to march on.