Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor,
Why is it that city officials are allowed to pull manifest destiny on a private business?  I cannot tolerate to buy business and harassment of my customers, not to mention the staff, NOT MINE, helping themselves to my stock every time I have to go in the back room.
sincerely, Piss Out Of Clockhaven



Dear Free Press,
Is there anything happening on Valentine's day? At all? I'm starting to get worried that something dreadful might happen soon, and am in need of some light-hearted merriment. As it stands, Valentine's day is only 3 days away, so perhaps that would be a good day to have fun.
Signed, Concerned Citizen



Dear Mr. Penrose, et al.
I am not typically the sort to complain or express moral outrage despite what people may say at the bingo hall. Nevertheless I feel it is my duty as a concerned citizen to both complain and express my moral outrage at a most egregious affront I was forced to endure in the park this afternoon at the hands of a hooligan wearing a ridiculous Pickelhaube helmet.

I want to state very clearly—I in no way encouraged this attack upon my dignity. With spring now upon us I was enjoying a quiet walk with my little shih tzu, Sue. The park has always been our go-to spot for an afternoon relief walk. I was aware Master Eliot was running his annual pancake race just up the road. It must be nearing a decade since that young absinthe enabler started organizing the pre-lent event. I would have watched but it is my understanding gambling often occurs at these races so I keep a respectful distance.

But I digress; the afternoon was beautiful. Sue and I were in our bliss when this madman  (who I have little doubt was a foreigner), brandishing a frying pan, screamed at me to get out of his way. He was running right at Sue and I. It was terrifying; he looked like one of those crazy people that are rightfully locked up in the asylum. I stood my ground. I’m not one to be cowed by bullies. I planted my hands on my hips and said, ‘Sir you will address me as Madame and doff your silly hat. I am a lady.’ It was then that he did it, he made a rude hand gesture and said words that moral righteousness will not permit me to put in writing—and the cad said those foul words in front of my shih tzu, Sue! Has he no shame? What in the name of the Builder has come of New Babbage!

Sincerely, Ms. Agnes Donoghue, Concerned Citizen

Hey Free Press,
A little birdie told me that a certain sneaky squire has left the Gangplank. I hear he quit his job as a bartender and ran off to work somewhere else. Sounds like a lead, don't you agree?
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