Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor,
Why is it that city officials are allowed to pull manifest destiny on a private business?  I cannot tolerate to buy business and harassment of my customers, not to mention the staff, NOT MINE, helping themselves to my stock every time I have to go in the back room.
sincerely, Piss Out Of Clockhaven



Dear Free Press,
Is there anything happening on Valentine's day? At all? I'm starting to get worried that something dreadful might happen soon, and am in need of some light-hearted merriment. As it stands, Valentine's day is only 3 days away, so perhaps that would be a good day to have fun.
Signed, Concerned Citizen



Dear Mr. Penrose, et al.
I am not typically the sort to complain or express moral outrage despite what people may say at the bingo hall. Nevertheless I feel it is my duty as a concerned citizen to both complain and express my moral outrage at a most egregious affront I was forced to endure in the park this afternoon at the hands of a hooligan wearing a ridiculous Pickelhaube helmet.

I want to state very clearly—I in no way encouraged this attack upon my dignity. With spring now upon us I was enjoying a quiet walk with my little shih tzu, Sue. The park has always been our go-to spot for an afternoon relief walk. I was aware Master Eliot was running his annual pancake race just up the road. It must be nearing a decade since that young absinthe enabler started organizing the pre-lent event. I would have watched but it is my understanding gambling often occurs at these races so I keep a respectful distance.

But I digress; the afternoon was beautiful. Sue and I were in our bliss when this madman  (who I have little doubt was a foreigner), brandishing a frying pan, screamed at me to get out of his way. He was running right at Sue and I. It was terrifying; he looked like one of those crazy people that are rightfully locked up in the asylum. I stood my ground. I’m not one to be cowed by bullies. I planted my hands on my hips and said, ‘Sir you will address me as Madame and doff your silly hat. I am a lady.’ It was then that he did it, he made a rude hand gesture and said words that moral righteousness will not permit me to put in writing—and the cad said those foul words in front of my shih tzu, Sue! Has he no shame? What in the name of the Builder has come of New Babbage!

Sincerely, Ms. Agnes Donoghue, Concerned Citizen

Hey Free Press,
A little birdie told me that a certain sneaky squire has left the Gangplank. I hear he quit his job as a bartender and ran off to work somewhere else. Sounds like a lead, don't you agree?
-X

Underby Addresses Corruption Scandal

The New Babbage Free Press received this statement today:

As should come as no surprise, I am the owner of many companies throughout our fair city.  For this reason, it would be near impossible for any business to transpire in this city, without my being involved to some capacity.  This is not corruption, this is the burden of being overly philanthropic.  The newspaper needs to sell paper and charges of corruption move units, that does not make a charge true.

Mr Osgoode Underby, Personal Assistant and Advisor to the Mayor

Construction Corruption at the Top

TOWN HALL SCHEDULED FOR DEMOLITION

INSIDER SUGGESTS CONSPIRACY

FLAGRANT CONFLICT OF INTEREST UNEXPLAINED

New Babbage, NB — After an extended investigation, which lasted close to twenty-eight days, Town Hall has finally been officially designated as condemned by the city investigators, and scheduled for demolition.

"It is, indeed, a true shame that Town Hall could not officially open before it was scheduled for demolition."said Mr O Undorby to a representative of the Free Press earlier today, referring to the constant construction of the current Town Hall, which has been ongoing for the last two years, for unknown reasons.  When asked to comment on the unfinished state of the soon-to-be-demolished Town Hall, the assistant to the mayor chose to refrain from answering.

A source close to Town Hall, who asked to go unnamed, told a reporter from the Free Press that "the whole operation stinks" and that we should "follow the money trail".  Following this lead, the Free Press investigated the scheduled demolition company for Town Hall, Angry Eris Demolition of the Babbage Canals.  Ownership of the demolition company is recorded in city records as Thunderclap Holding Company.  Curiously enough, the principle shareholder of Thunderclap Holding Company is Mr O Undorby, the assistant to the mayor, Mosefano Tenk.

The Free Press decided to dig farther back and looked into O'Moloch Construction, the company responsible for the ubiquitous construction of the current soon-to-be demolished Town Hall, and found that the company was owned by a Maurice O'Moloch until five years ago, when O'Moloch mysteriously disappeared.  Ownership then transferred to the benefactor of O'Moloch's estate, curiously one Mr O Undorby, the assistant to the mayor, Mosefano Tenk.

Requests for comment have thus far been ignored by the office of the assistant to the mayor.

Iron Staircase Stolen

STAIRCASE WENT MISSING IN THE NIGHT

IMPRESSIVE JOB, SAYS CITY WORKER

STAIRCASE POSSIBLY BEING MELTED DOWN INTO BULLETS

New Babbage, NB — The spiral iron staircase leading up to the Iron Bay Terminal tram stop, at the end of the Brunel line in Coronet Gardens, was absconded with recently.

Nobody seems sure when exactly the staircase went missing.  "I noticed it about a week ago." said a gentleman who wished to be known by the non de plum of Count Ballona.  "I use that staircase to come and go from the Bucket [of Blood] across the way there.  One day it was just, poof, gone."

Mr T Stanhope from the New Babbage Department of Transportation said to a reporter from the Free Press earlier today: "It'd be a [REDACTED] job getting one of them staircases off, especially with nobody seeing.  I mean, it was right across from your newspaper's office, did you see anything? Impressive."

Some citizens see this as an indication of a growing trend in municipal affairs.  "Ever since that fire at the Town Hall, and Mr Undrby moved his office to a tavern, all of a sudden there's corpses on the canals, staircases are disappearing, what's next?" said a citizen of Coronet Gardens who wished to remain nameless.  Mr Undrby was unavailable for comment at the time of publishing.

That the staircase was being melted down for ammunition in a looming gang war is still unconfirmed by the New Babbage Militia at this point, but the Free Press will continue to monitor the situation.

Letters To The Editor:

To whom this may concern,

I was reading through some recent editions when I noticed you spelled the same man's name in two different ways. In the article about the giant spiders, you mentioned a "Mr. O Unterby," while the article concerning City Hall spelled it as "Mr. Undorby." 

How did you manage that? 

Sincerely, Rigby H. Copperhead

P.s. For the record, I believe the gentleman's name is actually spelled "Mr. Underbite." 

—  —  —  —  —

Dear “Free Press Boob”,

Your humble letter writer was an eye witness to the recent New Years Day City Hall Affair, as the plebs on the streets are referring to it, and would wish to correct whomever “wrote” said article, if such a piece can be said to be written.  The two masked heroes called their names to the throngs below, quite clearly from their window of danger: BLUE BLOOD AVENGER.  Not “Blood Avenger” as you erroneously reported, making that hero of our times, a bright beacon to the rather wretched urchin population, into something akin to a grave-dwelling ghoul.

Bad form, sir!

sincerely, 

Count Rex Maximilian von Bologna

Wheatstone

—  —  —  —  —

Dear Free Press,

All these horrid stories lately of fire bombings, giant spiders, sea monsters in the harbor… What about a pleasant story now and then?  Does nobody save cats from trees anymore?  Does the Emperor not save children anymore?  Does the Church only perform exorcisms and funerals?  Are there no weddings?  Or does that not sell newspapers?

Mrs Edwina Gleet

Babbage Canals

—  —  —  —  —

Hey dumb[REDACTED] editor,

I saw you there when you were reporting about that sea monster in the harbor. Who the [REDACTED] said anything about it eating human flesh?! The [REDACTED] kept stealing kelp off that [REDACTED] oriental food place. AND your pencil. I guess that's the reason for the human flesh [REDACTED], the you must be [REDACTED] off about the loss of your precious [REDACTED] pencil.

Oh, and don't publish my name in the papers, or ELSE.

(name withheld upon request)

Killed By Spiders!

MAD MAN PROVED RIGHT

MAN EATING SPIDERS STALK THE EAST END

CITY HALL FALSE FLAG OPERATION?

New Babbage, NB — Some heed is now being paid toward Mad-Tongued Moe, who regularly accosts sightseers along the Port area with his often bizarre predictions of doom and plague.  For, recently, with yet another wave of vermin infestation ravaging the city, his rantings are seeming to take on a decidedly more realistic tone.

Readers, this reporter is certain, do not need to be informed that the new threat is of an arachnid nature; the city is fairly abuzz with rampant rumor concerning recent events.  The New Babbage Free Press has struggled valiantly to separate fact from fancy, amongst all the hyperbole.

Dr M Muggins, New Babbage City Coroner, has confirmed that the recent deaths were due to a combination of arachnid venom poisoning, and acute blood loss.  'I will agree that these deaths were due to what appear to be spider bites, but I refuse to speculate on the alleged size of these [redacted] spiders.' Dr Muggins was quoted as saying, earlier today.

The size of the arachnids in question is the heart of much of the speculation running rampant in the saloons and public houses of the city.  

One alleged eye witness to the size of the arachnid described a bizarre encounter to the Free Press: 'Yes, I met the spider ... she was very very nice. She spoke to me, I was so honored to meet her.  She was big.  Real big.  Like big big.' said a young unfortunate named Petunia, to a reporter from the Free Press at an earlier date.  She recounted that another unfortunate, known only by his street name of Low Key, who dwelled in an ersatz dwelling in the sewers beneath Clockhaven, was driven from his home by the vermin.

Mrs U Flaxenbrass, of Prince Dakkar Blvd in Clockhaven was more appalled to discover young children were camping out beneath the streets, than she was to hear about the vermin. 'Think about it, eating down there, playing down there... good lord, have you seen how they play? That's city water down there, the very thought revolts and repulses me ... those spiders? No, I don't believe they exist at all.  It's all a false flag operation for the Unterby office at City Hall, that's how it works around here.'

Mr O Unterby of City Hall was not available for comment at the time of publishing.  There has been no indication as to when the arachnid infestation might be brought under control.  The Free Press will stay on top of this story as it continues.

City Hall Condemned

CITY HALL DESTROYED

VANDALS CASED CITY OFFICIAL'S OFFICE EARLIER

TWO COSTUMED VIGILANTES SPOTTED — FRIEND OR FOE?

NEW BABBAGE, NB —  The new year rang in on a sour note in central New Babbage, as City Hall erupted into towering flames, choking the skies with pungent acrid black smoke.  Curiously, simultaneous with the fire, City Hall was likewise barraged by torrential flooding.  Officials seem at a loss as to explain what exactly happened.

Witnesses report seeing smoke bellowing from a third floor window, while some also reported an airship looming in the skies overhead.  Miss F Bucksimbodom, secretary to Mr O Undorby, assistant to the Mayor Mr M Tenk, was quoted by the Free Press as saying, 'I heard some odd sounds in Mr Undorby's office, some thumping ... [My Undorby] was already very agitated because he thought someone broke into his office earlier this week.'

Miss Bucksimbodom, and others, stated that a masked duo allegedly appeared to assist with the evacuation of the rapidly deteriorating building.  The two apparently went by the sobriquets of "The Night Crusader" and "The Blood Avenger", and opinions vary amongst eyewitnesses as to the authenticity of the pair's attempts at assistance.  A Mrs M Vanderklampt of Wheatstone said, 'The two seemed to be escaping the fire, not assisting with the evacuation.' while a Mr R Bladderstick of no fixed address said, 'Dey call down ter us all, waved real nice, said ev'rytin' would be dandy, made me feel lots better, it did.' [sic]

City Hall has, for the time being, been considered condemned.  All official business will be conducted at offsite locations.  Mr Undorby was unavailable for comment at the time of publishing.

Announcement From Acting Mayor Underby

NEW BABBAGE, NB — Acting mayor Mr O Underby — in lieu of Clockwinder Tenk — issued a statement to the press, earlier today:

Citizens of New Babbage,

It is with a heavy heart that I must now divulge priveleged information which I had promised myself I would never reveal.  Though my reputation is, to my utter sorrow, apparently permanently tarnished in the eyes of many in this community, I have always considered myself a man of honor.  As such, I intended to take the information I am about to impart to my grave with me.  However, the recent actions of Mr Mornington, have left me little choice: the very reason for Mayor Tenk's prolonged absense is Mr Mornington himself.

As can come as no surprise to those who have recently been following Mr Mornington's climb from popular and wealthy hotelier to deranged despot, much has been weighing on the man's mind.  It would weigh on anyone's mind to know within your very soul to be the cause of the misery you claim to alleviate.
Those who know well our hardworking mayor understand he entertains certain quirks of character.  Most overlook these quirks, since the pros so obviously outweigh the cons, when it comes to Clockwinder Tenk.  Mr Mornington, in his zeal for power, took his recent Christmas Buffet as an excuse to direly insult the mayor, sending the small man into a powerful rage.  As his trusted assistant, I attempted to console and alleviate the insult, but it could not be undone.

Tenk fled the city, fit to be tied.  I was left with the responsibilty of acting mayor, which no doubt caused great umbrage to the assistant mace holder of the city.
Despite what many claim, I take my responsibility as acting mayor with utmost seriousness.  I understand that there are several who consider my methods heavy-handed, draconian, and dictatorial.  Sadly, after much reflection, I must agree with them.

It is with maximum humility that I must acknowledge that my curfew plan was met with widespread derision, and not without good reason. It was a plan drawn up under diress, after receiving a mountain of correspondence from disparate citizens demanding something be done about the recent horrors which have afflicted our fine city.  Plans created under such circumstances are rarely successful, this one least of all. 

The initial plan was for a brief curfew, which would give time to investigate these heinous crimes, and hopefully keep the population safe whilst doing so.  However, Mornington took the opportunity to use his underworld connexions (which had been rumored, though never confirmed) to attempt to cripple an already delicate situation, by demanding citywide labor strikes which caused much strife and prolonged the curfew efforts.  These are clearly not the actions of someone with the best interests of the city at heart.

 Mr Mornington discovered that the city of New Babbage is not crushed so easily, however, as most public houses around the city made the best of the situation, setting up cots and caring for citizens through the long winter nights.  Mr Mornington's reaction to this solidarity and ingenuity? To pronounce himself Prime Minister of his own sovereign land.

For my part, I now realize how sloppily put together the initial curfew Night Patrol was, and wish to rectify the situation, whilst it may still be possible.  I have dissolved the original Night Patrol effective immediately, and already sworn in a plethora of new peace officers, young bright-eyed and optimistic officers who wish nothing but to aid and assist this city, to get it back on its feet so that it may be in better condition than it was left by Mayor Tenk, when he ultimately arrives back.  With the cooperation of the citizens, I am certain this investigation can be cleared up in next to no time.

Mornington will pay for his actions when Tenk returns, so I urge citizens to not attempt to take the law into their own hands, and to indulge the assistant mace holder in his delusions until he can be safely dealt with.

Humbly, and with great Humility,

Mr Osgoode Underby, Acting Mayor of the City-State of New Babbage

City Rife With Political Insubordination

CITY ERUPTS INTO CHAOS

ROYALTY ARRESTED BY ACTING MAYOR

UNDERBY AN ANARCHIST?

NEW BABBAGE, NB — Following the statement calling for citywide curfew made by acting mayor Mr O Underby — in lieu of Clockwinder Tenk, who is still unaccounted for — the city has erupted into outrage and indignation.

Citizens responded to the statement in a myriad of disparate manners, many by boldly marching en masse into the streets after dark, some by painting incendiary graffito on the walls of City Hall, and prominent hotelier Mr V Mornington issuing a stern ultimatum to the acting mayor.

Several arrests for curfew breaking were made, including a report that Her Royal Highness, Queen Victoria, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, Empress of India, and Defender of the Faith, was amongst those incarcerated in makeshift holding cells.

Assaults and beatings by the ad hoc night patrols were also reported.  A feline, who identified himself only as Joojoo, described the scene he witnessed thusly, 'Sticking to rooftops I got a grand view of the chaos. Watched a gang of the night watch beat up a drunk until he spewed across the cobbles.  Jolly good fun.'  When asked what he thought the final outcome of this misery might be, the feline responded, 'If Underby is fired when Tenk returns perhaps he can apply with that Tiny Scallion Group, he created some right proper anarchy last night.'

Reports of the monarch of England currently residing in New Babbage, in custody of city workers or otherwise, have as yet been unconfirmed by the Free Press, at the time of printing.  Mr O Underby was unavailable for comment.

Curfew Ultimatum Posed

CITY BANKRUPTED IF CURFEW CONTINUES?

CITIZENS PLAN TO REBEL

ACTING MAYOR'S ASSISTANT ISSUES PUBLIC THREAT

NEW BABBAGE, NB — The New Babbage Free Press was wired the following missive only moments ago, and immediately began to print a special edition:

Dear Citizens of New Babbage,

As some of you may know, our esteemed ACTING Mayor, Mr Underby, has put in motion a city wide curfew which starts at fall of night and ends upon daybreak.

As we all know, New Babbage is currently in the mid winter period, a season when the nights are extremley long, and the days very short.  I have been talking with the Port Authority gang workers and their foremen and they have assured me that if this curfew keeps going, the Port Authority will end up being held liable for spoiled good which are not able to make landfall due to this curfew our ACTING mayor has implemented.

Not only this, but the pubs, bars and restaurants of the city have now seen on average a 70% drop in takings over the past 2 days of this curfew as all of our nighttime revelers, employees, caterers and delivery gangs are not able to make their rounds.  This curfew is bankrupting the city!

As a concerned citizen of this city, and the owner of the largest bar and restaurant, i have sent out this missive to let the good township know that if ACTING Mayor Underby does not withdraw his Curfew by the evening of Tuesday the 22nd, that myself, and the patrons and restaurant visitors will purposefully break his curfew.   The port workers gangs have also shown an interest to go on strike as from Wednesday the 23rd and the workers at Hawksley Water Pump Station have also followed suit.

I will not have my bar go bankrupt due to the misguided attempts of a politician to wield his ACTING mayor powers!

Signed,

Victor Mornington

Brunel Hall Hotel

The Hawksley Water Pumping Station

Acting mayor Mr O Underby — in lieu of Clockwinder Tenk — was unavailable for comment at the time of printing, however, his assistant Mr R Dorchester stated, 'The mayor's office will not be held responsible for any injuries incurred by seditious citizens.'

Citywide Curfew In Effect

MURDER RAMPAGE SHUTS DOWN CITY AFTER DARK

THOSE ROAMING STREETS WILL BE ARRESTED

ACTING MAYOR REFUSES TO ELABORATE

NEW BABBAGE, NB — After the recent slew of abominable murders within the city, acting mayor Mr O Underby — in lieu of Clockwinder Tenk — issued a statement to the press, earlier today:

Effective immediately, and until further notice is announced, a citywide curfew is to be put into effect.  Persons of all ages are to remain indoors after sundown, and remain so until sun up - no exceptions.  Any person, or persons, found roaming city streets without authorized permission (of which none will be granted) will be subject to immediate arrest and detention at Militia Headquarters until they can be tried for their crime, or the curfew is lifted - whichever occurs first.  It is for the protection of the citizens that this extreme measure has been taken, and we hope you will do your part to conform and protect one another in this abysmal period of the city's history.  —Mr O Underby

Mr Underby refused to answer any further questions for the Free Press at the time of announcing the curfew.

Repairs On Fells Bridge Commences

REPAIRS ON TRACKS BEGIN

ACTING MAYOR CLAIMS LONG WAIT IS NORMAL

ANARCHISTS STILL WALK FREE

THE FELLS, NB — Commerce by rail will soon enough be rolling once again, as repairs begin on the tracks in the Fells, north of the walls of the city of New Babbage.

Construction began in the wee hours of Wednesday morning, and are expected to continue throughout the week.  Actual trains are expected to be running again shortly before the end of the month.

When asked why repairs have taken almost two weeks to begin, acting Mayor Mr O Underbee was quoted as stating, 'Despite what the plebeian might believe, these sorts of municipal matters do not take place over night.' He continued, 'There is a good deal of red tape one must snip through to even have a ribbon-cutting ceremony rubber nipple factory, believe me I like it less than anyone else.'

The tracks were damaged earlier in the month by explosion; an anarchist organization known as the Tiny Scallion Group has claimed responsibility for the heinous act.  Investigation into the group is ongoing, according to an unnamed member of the New Babbage Militia.

Public House Looks For New Cook

PUBLIC HOUSE SEEKS NEW COOK

OWNER CLAIMS RECENT POISONINGS UNRELATED

LONG HISTORY OF VICE ON SITE

NEW BABBAGE, NB — The Bucket of Blood Public House on Abney Parkway West, in the neighborhood of Coronet Gardens, is looking for a new cook for their establishment.

Owner, Mr B Heed, claims that the recent bouts of acute food poisoning emanating from the public house are unrelated to the current search for a new culinarian, stating, 'Miss Jones, the current cook, refuses to touch octopus, which I adore.'

It is currently unknown if the recent death of a Mr R Griswold, of food poisoning, is related to the spate of poisonings in the Bucket of Blood.

The public house, which opened in 1822 under the original name of The Coronet, has long been a den of vice, crime, and general immoral behavior, earning its epithet of 'the bucket of blood' long before officially changing the name in 1855.  Social crusader, Miss E Prim, successfully campaigned to have the establishment permanently closed 1869, remaining so until three years ago, when the public house was re-opened, under the new ownership of Mr O Underby.  Miss Prim was lynched by an unruly mob in 1870.

Applicants are asked to prepare an octopus dish before visiting the establishment for employment.

Mayor Still Missing

MATCHMAKING WAS INTENDED FOR MAYOR

MAYOR'S ARRIVAL ASSURED TO BE 'IMMINENT'

NEW BABBAGE, NB — Nearly four full days after scheduled arrival, Mayor Clockwinder Tenk is still missing, with telegraph messages to the city of Falun confirming he had departed on Saturday 5 January.

Length of time for travel between the two cities varies widely in extreme weather conditions, but rarely takes longer than a half day.  Weather on Saturday 5 was extremely cold on the Fells, but conditions were mostly visible.

Passage through the Fells on the Bump Line was made impossible when the tracks were demolished just north of the New Babbage city walls.  An anarchist organization known as the Tiny Scallions Group has claimed responsibility for the attack.

Two trains were halted, en route to New Babbage from Falun at the time of the disaster, though the mayor was discovered to have not been accounted for on either train.

Tenk was visiting family in Falun for the holidays, an annual excursion for him.  The New Babbage Free Press has learned from reliable sources in Falun that the mayor's family had hoped to secure matrimonial bonds between their family and another prominent mining family.  It is unknown at this time what the mayor's reaction to the proposal was.

Acting mayor, Mr O Underby, when asked for a comment whilst having his head shaved at the Clockwork Close Barber Shop in the Palisades, opined that 'finding a suitable bride is the most exceedingly difficult of any endeavor ever embarked upon by man', and that Mr Tenk may be encountering more trouble than most in this regard as 'there seems to be a stunning lack of bearded ladies in this world.  More's the pity.'

It has been suggested by some that the mayor is presently attempting air travel over the Fells, and his arrival is imminent.

Public Unrest Grows As Mayor's Absence Extends

CLOCKS RUNNING SLOW

ACTING MAYOR ASSUAGES CONCERNS

SOME CITIZENS RELIEVED BY MAYOR'S ABSENCE

NEW BABBAGE, NB — Clocks all across the city are running slightly slow today as Mayor Clockwinder M Tenk's extended leave to Falun continues, since all rail travel north of the city is indefinitely interrupted.  Telegraph communication has thus far been unable to confirm his current whereabouts.

The Mayor travelled north for his annual visit to relatives on December 24, and was expected back by the Twelfth Day of Christmas, January 5; the massive destruction caused to the tracks in the Fells north of the city made his immediate return impossible.   The Tiny Scallion Group, an anarchist organization, has claimed responsibility for the heinous act.

Mr O Underby, acting mayor in lieu of Clockwinder Tenk, was quoted as saying, 'these worries are of course understandable, if somewhat maudlin' and added that Mayor Tenk was 'in no danger whatsoever, he is merely delayed.  The clocks will be wound when he returns.'  The acting mayor suggested that, in the meantime, citizens might rely more heavily on their pocket watches.

At least one citizen, however, expressed some relief in the mayor's extended leave.  One Mr T Harkar was pleased at not having to 'relocate a tram line half a meter to the north, or [make] any other random changes for a while.'

It has been suggested by some that the mayor is presently attempting air travel over the Fells, and his arrival is imminent.

Fells Track Investigation On-Going

INVESTIGATION ON-GOING

ANARCHIST GROUP CLAIMS RESPONSIBILITY 

ACTING MAYOR CONDEMNS ANARCHISM

NEW BABBAGE, NB — Though the scree has barely settled, the investigation into the gargantuan cataclysm caused to the train tracks in the Fells north of the city of New Babbage has already commenced, according to Commander of the City Milita, Commodore J Daggar.

'We are pursuing all leads, but can offer no further comment at this time' as anything said might 'jeopardize the case.' she stated yesterday, to a reporter of the New Babbage Free Press.  Daggar added, 'in the meantime construction of a temporary timber bridge will begin immediately, so commerce is effected as little as possible.'

When asked about the public suspicion that someone exalted within New Babbage government might be censurable for the abject mayhem, she further added, 'No comment.'

Later in the day, however, the office of the mayor released a statement to the press stating that the Tiny Scallion Group, an anarchist organization, claimed responsibility for the heinous act, and further threatened future outrages.

Mr O Underby, acting mayor in lieu of Mayor Clockwinder Tenk, condemned the political philosophy of anarchism, thusly, 'Rules and regulations are the very bedrock of modern society, to abandon that in favor of self governing would be akin to volunteering to return to living in grass huts.'

When asked about the public suspicion that someone exalted within New Babbage government might be censurable for the abject mayhem, he further added, 'No comment.'

Tracks Destroyed North of the City

COAL SHIPMENTS FROM FALUN IN JEOPARDY

MAYOR POSSIBLY STRANDED NORTH

FOUL PLAY SUSPECTED

THE FELLS, NB — The city of New Babbage was stupefied on the evening of 5th January to discover that the tracks in the Fells, north of the city limits, had been completely destroyed.  A city messenger witnessed the destruction, calling it a 'terrific explosion'.

The cause of the abject ruination has yet to be ascertained by officials, but due to the complete destruction, foul play has been suspected.  It is unknown at this time if the destruction of the tracks is in any way related to the minor explosion in the New Babbage Train Station, earlier in the evening.

Coal shipments from Falun in the north have been put temporarily on hold until alternative routes may be made available; it is currently unknown whether Mayor Clockwinder Tenk was en route to New Babbage via rail when the destruction took place, and his whereabouts are still unknown as this goes to press.  Acting mayor Mr O Underbean was unavailable for comment, however a Mr R Dorchester from his office was quoted as saying 'citizens should not panic.'

Insignificant Explosion Detonates Within Train Station

SMALL EXPLOSION DETONATED IN STATION

UNIFORMED SUSPECT FLEES SCENE

INSIDE JOB SUSPECTED

NEW BABBAGE, NB — A small ineffective incendiary device was detonated this evening inside the New Babbage Train Station whilst a group of citizens awaited the imminent return of mayor Clockwinder Tenk.  Though three people were propelled by the blast, including prominent citizen Miss G Slattery, no citizens were unduly injured by the fulmination, and no damage of property was reported to be observed.

Immediately following the paroxysmal percussion some on-site witnesses claim to have observed an individual in Hussar uniform flee the scene, heading south-west.

A Miss D Wess, of Clockhaven, performed an impromptu investigation afterward, though official investigations are expected to commence overnight; no determinations were immediately forthcoming.

Though no suspects have been officially named, some concerned citizens -who preferred to remain anonymous- were solicitous that the incident was perpetrated by person or persons exalted within New Babbage government.  Mr Underbean, the current regent mayor whilst Mr Tenk is out of town, was unavailable for comment.

Small Town Man Moves to the Big City

NEW BABBAGE, NB — The chief difference, it is immediately evident, between a small town and a large city, is a vertical one; whereas a small town moves slowly and horizontally across the landscape, a city stretches both across the landscape, and yet reaches also, up toward the heavens - just ask the man who only today landed in New Babbage, ready to begin life anew.

The moment the dirigible airship landed, the very height of the city astounded our small town man.  He was immediately greeted by a tall friendly man sporting an impressive stovepipe hat, he introduced himself as Mr O Underbean, chief advisor and assistant to the mayor, Clockwinder Tenk.  He seemed intent on individually meeting every person who exited the craft, perhaps due to his temporarily holding the mayor regent title in the absence of Mr Tenk, a fact he seemed intent on relaying, mentioning it several times in their short conversation.

Our small town man was pleasantly mystified by this personal treatment, expressing the opinion that this sort of behavior is generally believed to be the sole domain of smaller communities.  Mr Underbean scoffed at such a notion, describing the city of New Babbage thusly as 'a tight knit community, in fact one could accurately say many of its citizens are at one another's throats in perpetuity.' To prove the amiability of the city to newcomers, the advisor and assistant to the mayor offered to personally see to the placement of our small town man in a rental office, in one of the city's most popular areas, one known locally as 'the Gut'.

It would seem that the small town notion of the large metropolis swallowing not only individuality, but also morality and brotherhood, is an antiquated one.