Tuesday, December 3

Vandals Strike the City Archives




New Babbage, NB — Those of a superstitious nature who enjoy rhapsodizing about our Town Hall being cursed in some manner have yet more evidence for their scrap books today. Once again the sacred structure at the heart of our fair sooty city was the target of wanton destruction by a crazed group of unknown vandals, this time it was the very memory of the city itself — the city archives, which were focused upon.

The blaze appears to have been strategically placed within an iron barrel where a plethora of carefully selected items from the archives were systematically conflagrated. The destruction was severe and an untold number of irreplaceable items have been irreversibly lost, however we at the Free Press are assured that the loss may well have been even more severe if it had not been for the early arrival of Miss J Ginsplurge of Clockhaven who recently took up a position within the archives.

"We don't even know how much has been lost yet." she told a reporter from the Free Press earlier today. "Me and Brother Sevan had just organized everything for filing away when this happened. It's very suspicious." When asked if she had any reason to suspect anyone of the heinous crime, she refused to point fingers, but did imply a certain local hotelier she has maintained a grudge with for some time may know something.

Brother Sevan believes lack of education is the root cause for the tragedy. "Uneducated children grow up in to uneducated hoodlums. A good mind must be put to use."

Chairwoman of the New Babbage League of Social Welfare and Reform, Miss E Crinnel, agrees with the clergyman. "What can we reasonably expect of these children when half of them cannot even read their own names? They should be learning ABCs, not sewing mittens in a workhouse."

Whether or not this sort of heinous act might be the handiwork of the anarchist group known as the Tiny Scallions is still currently unknown. Miss S Punchky of the New Babbage Fire Brigade could not be reached for comment at the time of printing.

Wednesday, November 20

City Plagued By Booby-Traps




New Babbage, NB — It seems that this sooty city of ours is never at rest from the darker elements of our world who stalk our streets lurking in dark corners and baiting traps for the innocent and easily duped.

Such is the case in our city for the past week, as a series of traps have been reported in all neighborhoods. "Reports coming in from all over the city, little traps built for children." said Mrs E Gleat of Babbage Canals, a member of the New Babbage League of Social Welfare and Reform. "Yet another example of the youth of our city being preyed upon, they are seemingly at constant threat."

Others, however, believe the traps may be intended with other targets in mind. "Sure, the traps could hold a kid." said Mr Y Hanning of Babbage Traps and Chili in Clockhaven. "But the traps could also be intended for raccoons, or possums, them little clockworks what make noise all night, that fat little urchin that steals pies from windows, could be a lot of things is the point."

Some reports claim the bait of the trap is a simple red button, causing some to wonder if the culprit behind the traps is a member of the Red Button Bandits. Ms J Daghart of the New Babbage Militia could not be reached for a comment at the time of printing.

Monday, October 28



Must be able to pour and mix drinks, serve patrons, and occasionally sneer to make them feel seen. Must also be willing to wipe counters, mop floors, and clean the unmentionable places in the bar. Long hours.

Must be willing to wake before dawn to purchase the freshest ingredients from the market, to prepare recipes to owner's specification, keep the ovens fired, and maintain a tidy kitchen. Aspic or gefilte fish will result in immediate dismissal.

To bless a rebuilt bar. Must provide own wine.

Must be able to drive unsavory types from the bar and see to its general security. Must also safeguard confidential documents in the office and execute other top secret activities as assigned.

***All staff must be willing to maintain the privacy of the owner. They must not reveal her location to any old women with white hair and smelling of mothballs.***

Room & board, a small stipend, and tips. May choose from available apartments above the bar. No loud music. Pets must be approved.

Please inquire with Miss Jumper Ginsburg at the Gangplank Public House, Clockhaven, NB