Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor,
Why is it that city officials are allowed to pull manifest destiny on a private business?  I cannot tolerate to buy business and harassment of my customers, not to mention the staff, NOT MINE, helping themselves to my stock every time I have to go in the back room.
sincerely, Piss Out Of Clockhaven



Dear Free Press,
Is there anything happening on Valentine's day? At all? I'm starting to get worried that something dreadful might happen soon, and am in need of some light-hearted merriment. As it stands, Valentine's day is only 3 days away, so perhaps that would be a good day to have fun.
Signed, Concerned Citizen



Dear Mr. Penrose, et al.
I am not typically the sort to complain or express moral outrage despite what people may say at the bingo hall. Nevertheless I feel it is my duty as a concerned citizen to both complain and express my moral outrage at a most egregious affront I was forced to endure in the park this afternoon at the hands of a hooligan wearing a ridiculous Pickelhaube helmet.

I want to state very clearly—I in no way encouraged this attack upon my dignity. With spring now upon us I was enjoying a quiet walk with my little shih tzu, Sue. The park has always been our go-to spot for an afternoon relief walk. I was aware Master Eliot was running his annual pancake race just up the road. It must be nearing a decade since that young absinthe enabler started organizing the pre-lent event. I would have watched but it is my understanding gambling often occurs at these races so I keep a respectful distance.

But I digress; the afternoon was beautiful. Sue and I were in our bliss when this madman  (who I have little doubt was a foreigner), brandishing a frying pan, screamed at me to get out of his way. He was running right at Sue and I. It was terrifying; he looked like one of those crazy people that are rightfully locked up in the asylum. I stood my ground. I’m not one to be cowed by bullies. I planted my hands on my hips and said, ‘Sir you will address me as Madame and doff your silly hat. I am a lady.’ It was then that he did it, he made a rude hand gesture and said words that moral righteousness will not permit me to put in writing—and the cad said those foul words in front of my shih tzu, Sue! Has he no shame? What in the name of the Builder has come of New Babbage!

Sincerely, Ms. Agnes Donoghue, Concerned Citizen

Hey Free Press,
A little birdie told me that a certain sneaky squire has left the Gangplank. I hear he quit his job as a bartender and ran off to work somewhere else. Sounds like a lead, don't you agree?
-X

Kidnapping Cannibal Stalks Street Unfortunates

Artist's rendition of the fiend, based upon eye-witness accounts - illustration by Myron Bleek

FIEND SNATCHES CHILDREN TO FILL HIS SACK 

UNLUCKY EMILY'S LUCK REMAINED CONSISTENT

THE CITY'S RICH ALLEGEDLY SUPPORT THE FIEND

New Babbage, NB — The frigid and bleak streets of New Babbage have been perpetually jeopardous for the throngs of youths who make their homes there, but recently the dangers have increased tenfold, as news of a kidnapping fiend stalking the city's unfortunates hit the streets.

"He's huge and he stuffs them in a sack." said a youth named Petra Flack, earlier today.  "His face is all corpsey, and he's got weird green eyes, he smells like woobaloo's backside."

Most recently a street youth known as "Unlucky Emily" was snatched in public, from amongst a group of approximately twenty of the unfortunates.  Weeks earlier, a sea-faring lad named  Swift Will was snatched from the Gangplank Public House in Clockhaven, this time amongst adult witnesses who put up little fight, though their senses were no doubt muddled some by the drink.

Most public speculation seems to agree that the fiend consumes the children he kidnaps.  "Oh, he eats them for sure.  One time he kidnapped a kid . . . then his bones were found in the tunnels." commented a young unfortunate named Marteel, earlier today.  "He is very open about it." said Mr J Wreet to the Free Press.  "He's a monster.  I tried to stop him [at the Gangplank Public House] but he threw me aside like a toy."

Others in the city have different ideas of what the fiend does with the children.  "It is clear to me that this gentleman is using the filthy little scamps as slave labor." said Father O Moonwoll of the Church of the Builder.  "They would be much more valuable in that capacity, than as sustenance.  Have you seen any of them?  Most are skin and bones, yet one little porker waddles these streets daily, seemingly unmolested.  If dinner was the cad's intention, that round one would have been first on the menu."

This fiend has kidnapped several of the youths over the years, seemingly without any resistance from the powers that be in the city.  "T'is a class problem, plain and simple.' said Miss P Prim, of the New Babbage League of Social Welfare and Reform to a reporter of the Free Press.  She continued: "Had these children been the offspring of the city's wealthy and elite, there would be a public outcry, but since these children are orphans, and often seen as a nuisance by the populace, it is swiftly brushed under the rug."  When asked whether she thought city officials were secretly in favor of the fiend, Miss Prim chose not to comment.