YOUTHS AND ELDERLY URGED TO STAY INDOORS
IMBIBING OF SPIRITS ENCOURAGED
NEW BABBAGE, NB — The mercury all around the city has dipped well below average temperatures for this time of the year, reaching a record low late in the afternoon today, causing worry to some citizens.
Both young unfortunate urchins, who wildly roam the city streets in surprising droves, and the perpetually confused, are particularly susceptible to plummeting temperatures at this time of the year, according to an official at City Hall. The official also added that the best solution to combating the weather is to simply stay indoors, and citizens should 'take extra care bundling and not move from the extremes of fireside temperatures to outdoors too quickly to reduce shock and stress.'
A local doctor, however, suggests an alternate method: imbibing of strong liquors. Dr S Thornly, originally of Coney Island NY, suggests 'alcoholic liquor is scientifically proven to raise body temperature and sharpen senses', both which, he claims, are useful tools against the biting cold.
The mayor's office asks citizens to be on the lookout for His Imperial Majesty Ezra II during the cold snap, as he has a tendency to fall asleep in snow drifts whilst inspecting local gutters.