Vandals Strike the City Archives

SUPERSTITION PROVED RIGHT

FIRE STRATEGICALLY PLACED

LOCAL HOTELIER TO BLAME?

New Babbage, NB — Those of a superstitious nature who enjoy rhapsodizing about our Town Hall being cursed in some manner have yet more evidence for their scrap books today. Once again the sacred structure at the heart of our fair sooty city was the target of wanton destruction by a crazed group of unknown vandals, this time it was the very memory of the city itself — the city archives, which were focused upon.

The blaze appears to have been strategically placed within an iron barrel where a plethora of carefully selected items from the archives were systematically conflagrated. The destruction was severe and an untold number of irreplaceable items have been irreversibly lost, however we at the Free Press are assured that the loss may well have been even more severe if it had not been for the early arrival of Miss J Ginsplurge of Clockhaven who recently took up a position within the archives.

"We don't even know how much has been lost yet." she told a reporter from the Free Press earlier today. "Me and Brother Sevan had just organized everything for filing away when this happened. It's very suspicious." When asked if she had any reason to suspect anyone of the heinous crime, she refused to point fingers, but did imply a certain local hotelier she has maintained a grudge with for some time may know something.

Brother Sevan believes lack of education is the root cause for the tragedy. "Uneducated children grow up in to uneducated hoodlums. A good mind must be put to use."

Chairwoman of the New Babbage League of Social Welfare and Reform, Miss E Crinnel, agrees with the clergyman. "What can we reasonably expect of these children when half of them cannot even read their own names? They should be learning ABCs, not sewing mittens in a workhouse."

Whether or not this sort of heinous act might be the handiwork of the anarchist group known as the Tiny Scallions is still currently unknown. Miss S Punchky of the New Babbage Fire Brigade could not be reached for comment at the time of printing.

Underby Addresses Corruption Scandal

The New Babbage Free Press received this statement today:

As should come as no surprise, I am the owner of many companies throughout our fair city.  For this reason, it would be near impossible for any business to transpire in this city, without my being involved to some capacity.  This is not corruption, this is the burden of being overly philanthropic.  The newspaper needs to sell paper and charges of corruption move units, that does not make a charge true.

Mr Osgoode Underby, Personal Assistant and Advisor to the Mayor

Construction Corruption at the Top

TOWN HALL SCHEDULED FOR DEMOLITION

INSIDER SUGGESTS CONSPIRACY

FLAGRANT CONFLICT OF INTEREST UNEXPLAINED

New Babbage, NB — After an extended investigation, which lasted close to twenty-eight days, Town Hall has finally been officially designated as condemned by the city investigators, and scheduled for demolition.

"It is, indeed, a true shame that Town Hall could not officially open before it was scheduled for demolition."said Mr O Undorby to a representative of the Free Press earlier today, referring to the constant construction of the current Town Hall, which has been ongoing for the last two years, for unknown reasons.  When asked to comment on the unfinished state of the soon-to-be-demolished Town Hall, the assistant to the mayor chose to refrain from answering.

A source close to Town Hall, who asked to go unnamed, told a reporter from the Free Press that "the whole operation stinks" and that we should "follow the money trail".  Following this lead, the Free Press investigated the scheduled demolition company for Town Hall, Angry Eris Demolition of the Babbage Canals.  Ownership of the demolition company is recorded in city records as Thunderclap Holding Company.  Curiously enough, the principle shareholder of Thunderclap Holding Company is Mr O Undorby, the assistant to the mayor, Mosefano Tenk.

The Free Press decided to dig farther back and looked into O'Moloch Construction, the company responsible for the ubiquitous construction of the current soon-to-be demolished Town Hall, and found that the company was owned by a Maurice O'Moloch until five years ago, when O'Moloch mysteriously disappeared.  Ownership then transferred to the benefactor of O'Moloch's estate, curiously one Mr O Undorby, the assistant to the mayor, Mosefano Tenk.

Requests for comment have thus far been ignored by the office of the assistant to the mayor.

Frigid Temperatures Plunge Further

YOUTHS AND ELDERLY URGED TO STAY INDOORS

IMBIBING OF SPIRITS ENCOURAGED

NEW BABBAGE, NB — The mercury all around the city has dipped well below average temperatures for this time of the year, reaching a record low late in the afternoon today, causing worry to some citizens.

Both young unfortunate urchins, who wildly roam the city streets in surprising droves, and the perpetually confused, are particularly susceptible to plummeting temperatures at this time of the year, according to an official at City Hall.  The official also added that the best solution to combating the weather is to simply stay indoors, and citizens should 'take extra care bundling and not move from the extremes of fireside temperatures to outdoors too quickly to reduce shock and stress.'

A local doctor, however, suggests an alternate method: imbibing of strong liquors.  Dr S Thornly, originally of Coney Island NY, suggests 'alcoholic liquor is scientifically proven to raise body temperature and sharpen senses', both which, he claims, are useful tools against the biting cold.

The mayor's office asks citizens to be on the lookout for His Imperial Majesty Ezra II during the cold snap, as he has a tendency to fall asleep in snow drifts whilst inspecting local gutters.

Iron Staircase Stolen

STAIRCASE WENT MISSING IN THE NIGHT

IMPRESSIVE JOB, SAYS CITY WORKER

STAIRCASE POSSIBLY BEING MELTED DOWN INTO BULLETS

New Babbage, NB — The spiral iron staircase leading up to the Iron Bay Terminal tram stop, at the end of the Brunel line in Coronet Gardens, was absconded with recently.

Nobody seems sure when exactly the staircase went missing.  "I noticed it about a week ago." said a gentleman who wished to be known by the non de plum of Count Ballona.  "I use that staircase to come and go from the Bucket [of Blood] across the way there.  One day it was just, poof, gone."

Mr T Stanhope from the New Babbage Department of Transportation said to a reporter from the Free Press earlier today: "It'd be a [REDACTED] job getting one of them staircases off, especially with nobody seeing.  I mean, it was right across from your newspaper's office, did you see anything? Impressive."

Some citizens see this as an indication of a growing trend in municipal affairs.  "Ever since that fire at the Town Hall, and Mr Undrby moved his office to a tavern, all of a sudden there's corpses on the canals, staircases are disappearing, what's next?" said a citizen of Coronet Gardens who wished to remain nameless.  Mr Undrby was unavailable for comment at the time of publishing.

That the staircase was being melted down for ammunition in a looming gang war is still unconfirmed by the New Babbage Militia at this point, but the Free Press will continue to monitor the situation.

Letters To The Editor:

To whom this may concern,

I was reading through some recent editions when I noticed you spelled the same man's name in two different ways. In the article about the giant spiders, you mentioned a "Mr. O Unterby," while the article concerning City Hall spelled it as "Mr. Undorby." 

How did you manage that? 

Sincerely, Rigby H. Copperhead

P.s. For the record, I believe the gentleman's name is actually spelled "Mr. Underbite." 

—  —  —  —  —

Dear “Free Press Boob”,

Your humble letter writer was an eye witness to the recent New Years Day City Hall Affair, as the plebs on the streets are referring to it, and would wish to correct whomever “wrote” said article, if such a piece can be said to be written.  The two masked heroes called their names to the throngs below, quite clearly from their window of danger: BLUE BLOOD AVENGER.  Not “Blood Avenger” as you erroneously reported, making that hero of our times, a bright beacon to the rather wretched urchin population, into something akin to a grave-dwelling ghoul.

Bad form, sir!

sincerely, 

Count Rex Maximilian von Bologna

Wheatstone

—  —  —  —  —

Dear Free Press,

All these horrid stories lately of fire bombings, giant spiders, sea monsters in the harbor… What about a pleasant story now and then?  Does nobody save cats from trees anymore?  Does the Emperor not save children anymore?  Does the Church only perform exorcisms and funerals?  Are there no weddings?  Or does that not sell newspapers?

Mrs Edwina Gleet

Babbage Canals

—  —  —  —  —

Hey dumb[REDACTED] editor,

I saw you there when you were reporting about that sea monster in the harbor. Who the [REDACTED] said anything about it eating human flesh?! The [REDACTED] kept stealing kelp off that [REDACTED] oriental food place. AND your pencil. I guess that's the reason for the human flesh [REDACTED], the you must be [REDACTED] off about the loss of your precious [REDACTED] pencil.

Oh, and don't publish my name in the papers, or ELSE.

(name withheld upon request)

City Hall Condemned

CITY HALL DESTROYED

VANDALS CASED CITY OFFICIAL'S OFFICE EARLIER

TWO COSTUMED VIGILANTES SPOTTED — FRIEND OR FOE?

NEW BABBAGE, NB —  The new year rang in on a sour note in central New Babbage, as City Hall erupted into towering flames, choking the skies with pungent acrid black smoke.  Curiously, simultaneous with the fire, City Hall was likewise barraged by torrential flooding.  Officials seem at a loss as to explain what exactly happened.

Witnesses report seeing smoke bellowing from a third floor window, while some also reported an airship looming in the skies overhead.  Miss F Bucksimbodom, secretary to Mr O Undorby, assistant to the Mayor Mr M Tenk, was quoted by the Free Press as saying, 'I heard some odd sounds in Mr Undorby's office, some thumping ... [My Undorby] was already very agitated because he thought someone broke into his office earlier this week.'

Miss Bucksimbodom, and others, stated that a masked duo allegedly appeared to assist with the evacuation of the rapidly deteriorating building.  The two apparently went by the sobriquets of "The Night Crusader" and "The Blood Avenger", and opinions vary amongst eyewitnesses as to the authenticity of the pair's attempts at assistance.  A Mrs M Vanderklampt of Wheatstone said, 'The two seemed to be escaping the fire, not assisting with the evacuation.' while a Mr R Bladderstick of no fixed address said, 'Dey call down ter us all, waved real nice, said ev'rytin' would be dandy, made me feel lots better, it did.' [sic]

City Hall has, for the time being, been considered condemned.  All official business will be conducted at offsite locations.  Mr Undorby was unavailable for comment at the time of publishing.

Mysterious Vapor Envelopes City

MARSH GAS DRIFTS IN FROM FELLS

MASS HALLUCINATIONS ALLEGEDLY WIDESPREAD

CORONER CLAIMS HYPERBOLIOSIS IS 'TWADDLE'

NEW BABBAGE, NB — If modern science can be believed, a curiously pernicious vapor drifted recently into the city of New Babbage, causing wild and widespread hallucinations in its citizens.  This mist, it is said, is to blame for the questionable decisions leading to the recent curfews and the bizzarre and extreme reactions which followed.

The hallucinations are apparently the result of a condition known as hyperboliosis, which was caused by extensive inhalation of vapors believed to have originated in the Fells, north of the city.  The effects, according to Dr S Thornley, are wild hallucinations and extremem reactions to the hallucinations.

'Mass hallucinations are not at all uncommon.  The good news is, no permanent damage has ever been reported connected with hyperboliosis,' he said earlier today to a representative of the Free Press, and continued, 'however, it is important for citizens to maintain a skeptical attitude toward any memories they may harbor about the last 30 days or so.'

Dr M Miggins —New Bababge Coroner and physician for over 25 years— claims not to be familiar with any condition, defect, or disease, known as hyperbolios.  He stated, 'It doesn't mean anything.  The word is meant to sound greek, but it's nonsensical twaddle. There is no such condition.'

Regardless, vaccinations will be available, gratis, at City Hall throughout the first week of February.

Hotelier Claims Academy As Independent State

ASSISTANT MACE-HOLDER DECLARES INDEPENDANCE

ACT IS 'TECHNICALLY LEGAL'

'MORNINGTOWN SHOULD BE INVADED', SAYS MAYOR'S ASSISTANT

NEW BABBAGE, NB — Local prominent hotelier Mr V Mornington has declared the Academy of Industry as an independent township, having effectively seceded from the City-State of New Babbage.

The surprising move came as a reaction to the Acting Mayor's refusal to bend to the demands recently proposed by the Assistant Mace-Holder of the city, a move made possible through intricate bureaucratic manipulation of municipal bylaws.

'Mornington owns thirty precent of the area, there is precious little the acting mayor can do to counter such an act.  It is, technically, legal.' stated Mr E Pendergust of the New Babbage Department of Land and Holdings, to a representative of the Free Press.

Mr Underby was unavailable for comment, however his assistant Mr R Dorchester stated 'We shall see how long this farce can continue.  By Mr Mornington's own admission, his township is no longer part of the city of New Babbage, so the law implemented after the Obolenskydonia - which is, of course, a New Babbage bylaw - means nothing in the alleged township of Morningtown.'

Mr Dorchester did not wish to venture a guess as to how the acting mayor would react to Mr Mornington's move, but stated that if it were up to him, he 'would invade with extreme prejudice.'

Night Watch Valiantly Protects Citizens

CREATURE CAVORTS THROUGH CITY

NIGHT WATCH PURUES HORRIBLE BEAST

ACTING MAYOR'S ORDER VINDICATED

NEW BABBAGE, NB — Wild and varying reports of attacks by a wild beast in the Babbage Square area inundated the office of the Free Press this morning.  According to sources, at least one large and terrifying animal rampaged, for an undisclosed amount of time, on city streets last evening during curfew.

Descriptions of the beast, by eye witnesses to the event, conflict drastically.  Some have described to reporters from the Free Press a man-shaped aquatic monstrosity, others a large mechanical rhinoceros, while still others depict the animal as a large creature of the lupine persuasion.

By all accounts, the lusus naturae was closely pursued through the dark quiet streets by members of the Night Watch, organized recently by upstanding acting mayor Mr O Onderby.  Several vollies of ammunition were discharged at the creature to keep it moving, resulting in some minor fires in the extreme — and potentially hazardous — clutter of the Port area.

'Couldn't help it, boxes and crates were everywhere.  We had to keep the monster moving toward the city gates.' stated Mr K Hoolihan, a member of the Night Watch.  Miss N Nimly, another member of the Night Watch, stated, 'Just goes to show that the Night Watch is necessary.  And those dock workers will get someone killed, if they keep this up.'

The dock workers went on illegal strike earlier this week, at the behest of wealthy citizen Mr V Morningtown, crippling the local economy and putting citizens at dangerous risk, should they choose to stroll through the increasingly congested area.  Mr Morningtown was unavailable for comment at the time of printing.

Curfew Strife Cripples City

CHAOS IN THE PORT

CITY CLAIMS LABORERS CANNOT BE PLEASED

ACTING MAYOR RETALIATES

NEW BABBAGE, NB — Heeding the ultimatum issued on Tuesday by prominent hotelier, Mr V Mornington, the dock workers at the New Babbage Port have officially gone on strike, bottlenecking all shipments in and out via the Vernian Sea.

Barrels bobbing in the frigid waters of the Port indicate the dire levels this strike has already reached, as the entire Port District is in utter and complete disarray with mountains of crates, barrels, boxes, and trunks having clogged up what is already a thoroughly congested area of the city. 'This will only get worse as time crawls on, believe me.  Think about it, this has only been one day.' stated Mr R Douglas of Clockhaven, a dock worker in the 'Swing Shift' division of labor.

Miss N Nymlet, a member of the ad hoc New Babbage Night Watch scoffed at the labor dispute, stating, 'There's no way to please the working man, it seems.  Either they complain that they have to work nights, or that they are not allowed to.'  When asked by a reporter from the Free Press how this matter might be cleared up, she suggested, 'It could be easily rectified if they would only hire more day labor.'

When questioned on rumors of members of the Night Watch taking bribes from citizens to be allowed passage on the streets after dark, Miss Nymlet responded, 'No comment.'

Mr O Underby, acting mayor — in lieu of Clockwinder Tenk — has still refused to comment to the Free Press, but in what some believe to be a form of response to the strike has closed down Cuffs Public House at the corner of Savory Street and Abney Parkway, a well-known social meeting place for the dock workers of the area.  The reason for the closing has not been made public, however a source within City Hall has suggested tax evasion may be a cause.

City Rife With Political Insubordination

CITY ERUPTS INTO CHAOS

ROYALTY ARRESTED BY ACTING MAYOR

UNDERBY AN ANARCHIST?

NEW BABBAGE, NB — Following the statement calling for citywide curfew made by acting mayor Mr O Underby — in lieu of Clockwinder Tenk, who is still unaccounted for — the city has erupted into outrage and indignation.

Citizens responded to the statement in a myriad of disparate manners, many by boldly marching en masse into the streets after dark, some by painting incendiary graffito on the walls of City Hall, and prominent hotelier Mr V Mornington issuing a stern ultimatum to the acting mayor.

Several arrests for curfew breaking were made, including a report that Her Royal Highness, Queen Victoria, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, Empress of India, and Defender of the Faith, was amongst those incarcerated in makeshift holding cells.

Assaults and beatings by the ad hoc night patrols were also reported.  A feline, who identified himself only as Joojoo, described the scene he witnessed thusly, 'Sticking to rooftops I got a grand view of the chaos. Watched a gang of the night watch beat up a drunk until he spewed across the cobbles.  Jolly good fun.'  When asked what he thought the final outcome of this misery might be, the feline responded, 'If Underby is fired when Tenk returns perhaps he can apply with that Tiny Scallion Group, he created some right proper anarchy last night.'

Reports of the monarch of England currently residing in New Babbage, in custody of city workers or otherwise, have as yet been unconfirmed by the Free Press, at the time of printing.  Mr O Underby was unavailable for comment.

Curfew Ultimatum Posed

CITY BANKRUPTED IF CURFEW CONTINUES?

CITIZENS PLAN TO REBEL

ACTING MAYOR'S ASSISTANT ISSUES PUBLIC THREAT

NEW BABBAGE, NB — The New Babbage Free Press was wired the following missive only moments ago, and immediately began to print a special edition:

Dear Citizens of New Babbage,

As some of you may know, our esteemed ACTING Mayor, Mr Underby, has put in motion a city wide curfew which starts at fall of night and ends upon daybreak.

As we all know, New Babbage is currently in the mid winter period, a season when the nights are extremley long, and the days very short.  I have been talking with the Port Authority gang workers and their foremen and they have assured me that if this curfew keeps going, the Port Authority will end up being held liable for spoiled good which are not able to make landfall due to this curfew our ACTING mayor has implemented.

Not only this, but the pubs, bars and restaurants of the city have now seen on average a 70% drop in takings over the past 2 days of this curfew as all of our nighttime revelers, employees, caterers and delivery gangs are not able to make their rounds.  This curfew is bankrupting the city!

As a concerned citizen of this city, and the owner of the largest bar and restaurant, i have sent out this missive to let the good township know that if ACTING Mayor Underby does not withdraw his Curfew by the evening of Tuesday the 22nd, that myself, and the patrons and restaurant visitors will purposefully break his curfew.   The port workers gangs have also shown an interest to go on strike as from Wednesday the 23rd and the workers at Hawksley Water Pump Station have also followed suit.

I will not have my bar go bankrupt due to the misguided attempts of a politician to wield his ACTING mayor powers!

Signed,

Victor Mornington

Brunel Hall Hotel

The Hawksley Water Pumping Station

Acting mayor Mr O Underby — in lieu of Clockwinder Tenk — was unavailable for comment at the time of printing, however, his assistant Mr R Dorchester stated, 'The mayor's office will not be held responsible for any injuries incurred by seditious citizens.'

Anarchist Bomber Arrested

SUSPECT ARRESTED WHILST DRUNK

HINTED THERE ARE MORE BOMBINGS TO COME

CONNEXION TO ANARCHIST GROUP UNCERTAIN

NEW BABBAGE, NB — A man was arrested at Doyle Place, in the Canal District, yesterday in connexion with the bombing of the tracks in the Fells, north of the City of New Babbage, on January 5.

The New Babbage Milita has not officially released the name of the suspect at the time of printing, but unnamed sources within the organization have unofficially named the bomber as one Mr E Grady, aged 29, of Phaeton's Landing.

Grady was arrested by Commodore Dagger of the New Babbage Militia at Ruby's Public House in the early evening yesterday, after some minor altercation.  Mr M Cutbush, bartender at Ruby's, was quoted as stating, 'He been in and out of here for two weeks near, get his self drunk and start heavily hinting about bombing the tracks. T'was no secret here.  Miss Dagger gave me a sawbuck to keep the drinks pouring into him, and he soon enough confessed outright to her. It were quite a show for the rest of us.'

Mr R Bladderstick, of no fixed address, who has imbibed with the accused on several occasions in the past, claims that Grady does not live permanently in New Babbage, stating, 'He got a room he stays in.  [He] works fer summan, [and] bragged 'bout how much he made for some job was mentioned in da papers and kep' hintin he was only waiting 'round for his next job.'

Mr Grady's connexion to the Tiny Scallion Group anarchist organization, if indeed there is one, has yet to be ascertained.  The Tiny Scallion Group claimed responsibility for the bombing earlier this month, in a statement addressed to acting mayor Mr O Underby, at City Hall.  Mr Underby was unavailable for comment at the time of printing.

Citywide Curfew In Effect

MURDER RAMPAGE SHUTS DOWN CITY AFTER DARK

THOSE ROAMING STREETS WILL BE ARRESTED

ACTING MAYOR REFUSES TO ELABORATE

NEW BABBAGE, NB — After the recent slew of abominable murders within the city, acting mayor Mr O Underby — in lieu of Clockwinder Tenk — issued a statement to the press, earlier today:

Effective immediately, and until further notice is announced, a citywide curfew is to be put into effect.  Persons of all ages are to remain indoors after sundown, and remain so until sun up - no exceptions.  Any person, or persons, found roaming city streets without authorized permission (of which none will be granted) will be subject to immediate arrest and detention at Militia Headquarters until they can be tried for their crime, or the curfew is lifted - whichever occurs first.  It is for the protection of the citizens that this extreme measure has been taken, and we hope you will do your part to conform and protect one another in this abysmal period of the city's history.  —Mr O Underby

Mr Underby refused to answer any further questions for the Free Press at the time of announcing the curfew.

Anarchist Suspicions Run Rampant

MOB CHASES ADMITTED ANARCHIST

WOMAN EXPLAINS HOW SHE WOULD HAVE DONE IT

MILITIA ASSURE ARREST IS IMMINENT

NEW BABBAGE, NB — Several citizens have become the target of suspicion from disparate directions as of late, with murderers and bombers admittedly on the loose in public.

Two unruly gatherings of citizens - one just north of Central Station, and another near City Hall - were spotted pursuing a male in his mid 30s, allegedly under the belief he had admitted to anarchistic sympathies.  It is currently unknown if the congruent incidents are related.

A young woman in the Gangplank Public House, on East Prince Dakkar in Clockhaven, also raised suspicious ire amongst her fellow patrons last evening whilst lecturing at length as to how she would have performed the bombing of the tracks in the Fells, north of the New Babbage walls.

When pressed to identify her political beliefs the woman politely refused, but denied a steadfast belief in anarchists and their craft.

An anarchist organization known as the Tiny Scallion Group has taken credit for the bombing of the tracks in the Fells.  An source within the New Babbage Milita assures the Free Press that an arrest is imminent.