City Plagued By Booby-Traps

TRAPS LITTER THE STREETS

CHILDREN IN GRAVE DANGER

CLOCKWORKS TO BLAME AGAIN?

New Babbage, NB — It seems that this sooty city of ours is never at rest from the darker elements of our world who stalk our streets lurking in dark corners and baiting traps for the innocent and easily duped.

Such is the case in our city for the past week, as a series of traps have been reported in all neighborhoods. "Reports coming in from all over the city, little traps built for children." said Mrs E Gleat of Babbage Canals, a member of the New Babbage League of Social Welfare and Reform. "Yet another example of the youth of our city being preyed upon, they are seemingly at constant threat."

Others, however, believe the traps may be intended with other targets in mind. "Sure, the traps could hold a kid." said Mr Y Hanning of Babbage Traps and Chili in Clockhaven. "But the traps could also be intended for raccoons, or possums, them little clockworks what make noise all night, that fat little urchin that steals pies from windows, could be a lot of things is the point."

Some reports claim the bait of the trap is a simple red button, causing some to wonder if the culprit behind the traps is a member of the Red Button Bandits. Ms J Daghart of the New Babbage Militia could not be reached for a comment at the time of printing.

Letters To The Editor:

To whom this may concern,

I was reading through some recent editions when I noticed you spelled the same man's name in two different ways. In the article about the giant spiders, you mentioned a "Mr. O Unterby," while the article concerning City Hall spelled it as "Mr. Undorby." 

How did you manage that? 

Sincerely, Rigby H. Copperhead

P.s. For the record, I believe the gentleman's name is actually spelled "Mr. Underbite." 

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Dear “Free Press Boob”,

Your humble letter writer was an eye witness to the recent New Years Day City Hall Affair, as the plebs on the streets are referring to it, and would wish to correct whomever “wrote” said article, if such a piece can be said to be written.  The two masked heroes called their names to the throngs below, quite clearly from their window of danger: BLUE BLOOD AVENGER.  Not “Blood Avenger” as you erroneously reported, making that hero of our times, a bright beacon to the rather wretched urchin population, into something akin to a grave-dwelling ghoul.

Bad form, sir!

sincerely, 

Count Rex Maximilian von Bologna

Wheatstone

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Dear Free Press,

All these horrid stories lately of fire bombings, giant spiders, sea monsters in the harbor… What about a pleasant story now and then?  Does nobody save cats from trees anymore?  Does the Emperor not save children anymore?  Does the Church only perform exorcisms and funerals?  Are there no weddings?  Or does that not sell newspapers?

Mrs Edwina Gleet

Babbage Canals

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Hey dumb[REDACTED] editor,

I saw you there when you were reporting about that sea monster in the harbor. Who the [REDACTED] said anything about it eating human flesh?! The [REDACTED] kept stealing kelp off that [REDACTED] oriental food place. AND your pencil. I guess that's the reason for the human flesh [REDACTED], the you must be [REDACTED] off about the loss of your precious [REDACTED] pencil.

Oh, and don't publish my name in the papers, or ELSE.

(name withheld upon request)

Anarchist Group Hoax

ANARCHISM IS A RED HERRING

WOMEN'S GROUP BAFFLED

WHO WAS BOMBER WORKING FOR?

NEW BABBAGE, NB — The supposed anarchist organization known as 'The Tiny Scallion Group' — which claimed responsibility for the bombing of the train tracks in the Fells, north of the city of New Babbage, earlier this month — has been discovered by agents from Terranova Investigations to be a total and consummate fabrication.

Mrs J Daggar — owner, proprietor, and chief agent of Terranova Investigations — has stated that the confessed bomber of the tracks, one Mr E O'Grady of Phaeton's Landing, confirmed after a thorough interrogation, that he was not, nor had he ever been, a member of any anarchist organization.

The guilty man further claimed that the name 'Tiny Scallions Group' meant nothing to him.  Mrs Daggar, after painstaking investigation has discovered that the name had formerly, and still currently, belongs to a women's cooking group, which focuses primarily on dishes containing green onions in some form.

'I had indeed wondered why my grandchildren should suddenly become so interested in Granny's omelet recipes.' stated Mrs E Gleet of the Canal District, Treasurer of the authentic Tiny Scallion Group, to a representative of the Free Press earlier today.

Mrs Daggar confirmed that Mr O'Grady admitted to having performed the heinous act at the behest of another individual, for active remuneration, but declined to offer a name to the press, stating that anything she said could possibly 'jeopardize the investigation, which is ongoing.'