Frigid Temperatures Plunge Further

YOUTHS AND ELDERLY URGED TO STAY INDOORS

IMBIBING OF SPIRITS ENCOURAGED

NEW BABBAGE, NB — The mercury all around the city has dipped well below average temperatures for this time of the year, reaching a record low late in the afternoon today, causing worry to some citizens.

Both young unfortunate urchins, who wildly roam the city streets in surprising droves, and the perpetually confused, are particularly susceptible to plummeting temperatures at this time of the year, according to an official at City Hall.  The official also added that the best solution to combating the weather is to simply stay indoors, and citizens should 'take extra care bundling and not move from the extremes of fireside temperatures to outdoors too quickly to reduce shock and stress.'

A local doctor, however, suggests an alternate method: imbibing of strong liquors.  Dr S Thornly, originally of Coney Island NY, suggests 'alcoholic liquor is scientifically proven to raise body temperature and sharpen senses', both which, he claims, are useful tools against the biting cold.

The mayor's office asks citizens to be on the lookout for His Imperial Majesty Ezra II during the cold snap, as he has a tendency to fall asleep in snow drifts whilst inspecting local gutters.

Doctor Cures Housewives Headaches

DOCTOR REFUSES TO DIVULGE TECHNIQUE

WOMEN LOOK FORWARD TO FUTURE HEADACHES

MEN UNLIKELY TO FIND 'GRATIFICATION'

NEW BABBAGE, NB — A Coronet Gardens doctor, who recently opened practice, has been finding gargantuan success in the act of curing acute headaches suffered by many of the housewives of the city.

Dr S Thornley, originally of Coney Island NY, has discovered a method of relieving the pain frustration and anxiety that many of the fairer sex are commonly afflicted with in New Babbage.

Though he refuses to divulge the precise method by which these ailments are relieved — citing professional rivalry as the reason — he assures the Free Press that his tactics are both assured and beneficial.  Mrs P Hyperboria, a chronic patient, agrees, 'Dr Thornley's treatments are both vigorous and soothing, I near almost look forward to my next migraine.'

Dr Thornley, who is known in several nearby cities for his patented miracle elixer, states that the headache treatment is not the same, though he claims it is 'just as sweet'.  On the contrary, in fact, as Thornley continued, 'though my thoroughly fantastical elixer cures many ailments,  it is admittedly more likely to cause a headache, than cure it.  But, fear not, I fix that up in a jiffy!'

Though Dr Thornley's headache treatments have, thus far, been inflicted solely upon the women of the city, he says the men are also admissible.  'Their husbands are welcome to visit, of course, should they find themselves similarly afflicted.  It's quite possible, though scarcely probable, that the treatment would be just as gratifying for them.' he stated this morning to a reporter from the Free Press.