Mysterious Vapor Envelopes City

MARSH GAS DRIFTS IN FROM FELLS

MASS HALLUCINATIONS ALLEGEDLY WIDESPREAD

CORONER CLAIMS HYPERBOLIOSIS IS 'TWADDLE'

NEW BABBAGE, NB — If modern science can be believed, a curiously pernicious vapor drifted recently into the city of New Babbage, causing wild and widespread hallucinations in its citizens.  This mist, it is said, is to blame for the questionable decisions leading to the recent curfews and the bizzarre and extreme reactions which followed.

The hallucinations are apparently the result of a condition known as hyperboliosis, which was caused by extensive inhalation of vapors believed to have originated in the Fells, north of the city.  The effects, according to Dr S Thornley, are wild hallucinations and extremem reactions to the hallucinations.

'Mass hallucinations are not at all uncommon.  The good news is, no permanent damage has ever been reported connected with hyperboliosis,' he said earlier today to a representative of the Free Press, and continued, 'however, it is important for citizens to maintain a skeptical attitude toward any memories they may harbor about the last 30 days or so.'

Dr M Miggins —New Bababge Coroner and physician for over 25 years— claims not to be familiar with any condition, defect, or disease, known as hyperbolios.  He stated, 'It doesn't mean anything.  The word is meant to sound greek, but it's nonsensical twaddle. There is no such condition.'

Regardless, vaccinations will be available, gratis, at City Hall throughout the first week of February.

City Rife With Political Insubordination

CITY ERUPTS INTO CHAOS

ROYALTY ARRESTED BY ACTING MAYOR

UNDERBY AN ANARCHIST?

NEW BABBAGE, NB — Following the statement calling for citywide curfew made by acting mayor Mr O Underby — in lieu of Clockwinder Tenk, who is still unaccounted for — the city has erupted into outrage and indignation.

Citizens responded to the statement in a myriad of disparate manners, many by boldly marching en masse into the streets after dark, some by painting incendiary graffito on the walls of City Hall, and prominent hotelier Mr V Mornington issuing a stern ultimatum to the acting mayor.

Several arrests for curfew breaking were made, including a report that Her Royal Highness, Queen Victoria, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, Empress of India, and Defender of the Faith, was amongst those incarcerated in makeshift holding cells.

Assaults and beatings by the ad hoc night patrols were also reported.  A feline, who identified himself only as Joojoo, described the scene he witnessed thusly, 'Sticking to rooftops I got a grand view of the chaos. Watched a gang of the night watch beat up a drunk until he spewed across the cobbles.  Jolly good fun.'  When asked what he thought the final outcome of this misery might be, the feline responded, 'If Underby is fired when Tenk returns perhaps he can apply with that Tiny Scallion Group, he created some right proper anarchy last night.'

Reports of the monarch of England currently residing in New Babbage, in custody of city workers or otherwise, have as yet been unconfirmed by the Free Press, at the time of printing.  Mr O Underby was unavailable for comment.

Curfew Ultimatum Posed

CITY BANKRUPTED IF CURFEW CONTINUES?

CITIZENS PLAN TO REBEL

ACTING MAYOR'S ASSISTANT ISSUES PUBLIC THREAT

NEW BABBAGE, NB — The New Babbage Free Press was wired the following missive only moments ago, and immediately began to print a special edition:

Dear Citizens of New Babbage,

As some of you may know, our esteemed ACTING Mayor, Mr Underby, has put in motion a city wide curfew which starts at fall of night and ends upon daybreak.

As we all know, New Babbage is currently in the mid winter period, a season when the nights are extremley long, and the days very short.  I have been talking with the Port Authority gang workers and their foremen and they have assured me that if this curfew keeps going, the Port Authority will end up being held liable for spoiled good which are not able to make landfall due to this curfew our ACTING mayor has implemented.

Not only this, but the pubs, bars and restaurants of the city have now seen on average a 70% drop in takings over the past 2 days of this curfew as all of our nighttime revelers, employees, caterers and delivery gangs are not able to make their rounds.  This curfew is bankrupting the city!

As a concerned citizen of this city, and the owner of the largest bar and restaurant, i have sent out this missive to let the good township know that if ACTING Mayor Underby does not withdraw his Curfew by the evening of Tuesday the 22nd, that myself, and the patrons and restaurant visitors will purposefully break his curfew.   The port workers gangs have also shown an interest to go on strike as from Wednesday the 23rd and the workers at Hawksley Water Pump Station have also followed suit.

I will not have my bar go bankrupt due to the misguided attempts of a politician to wield his ACTING mayor powers!

Signed,

Victor Mornington

Brunel Hall Hotel

The Hawksley Water Pumping Station

Acting mayor Mr O Underby — in lieu of Clockwinder Tenk — was unavailable for comment at the time of printing, however, his assistant Mr R Dorchester stated, 'The mayor's office will not be held responsible for any injuries incurred by seditious citizens.'

Evolution Too Slow, Claims Local Scientist

ELECTRICITY AMPLIFIES BRAIN IMPULSES

UNIVERSE IS CHAOTIC

SCIENCE MARCHES ON

NEW BABBAGE, NB — If evolution can be likened to a perpetual motion machine, a local amateur scientist believes the device can be artificially accelerated.

Miss N Nymlet, of the Clockhaven district, has been experimenting with human brains, in the hope of enhancing them organically, thereby accelerating evolution.  'My hypothesis is that the brain works on electrical impulses.  If we can amplify these, then we can enhance the brain.' she stated, earlier today.

Two separate brains have already successfully communicated when flooded with electrical current, a result which she believes suggests human brains could be augmented permanently.

'Too long have we relied on nature for the evolution of the human brain.  We need to take charge of our evolution.  Nature is dirty, chaotic, and fickle.' she said to a reporter from the Free Press.

Impressionist artist, Mr E Placebo, agrees to an extent, 'The universe is chaotic.  It is dirty, cold, and indifferent to our wants and desires.'  He disagrees, however, that hastening evolution will improve the situation, 'Ultimately we die out and the world turns to dust.  In the end, what does any of it matter?'

Citizens may take heart that while nihilism is a thoroughly discredited school of philosophy, the advances of science continue to march on.

Doctor Cures Housewives Headaches

DOCTOR REFUSES TO DIVULGE TECHNIQUE

WOMEN LOOK FORWARD TO FUTURE HEADACHES

MEN UNLIKELY TO FIND 'GRATIFICATION'

NEW BABBAGE, NB — A Coronet Gardens doctor, who recently opened practice, has been finding gargantuan success in the act of curing acute headaches suffered by many of the housewives of the city.

Dr S Thornley, originally of Coney Island NY, has discovered a method of relieving the pain frustration and anxiety that many of the fairer sex are commonly afflicted with in New Babbage.

Though he refuses to divulge the precise method by which these ailments are relieved — citing professional rivalry as the reason — he assures the Free Press that his tactics are both assured and beneficial.  Mrs P Hyperboria, a chronic patient, agrees, 'Dr Thornley's treatments are both vigorous and soothing, I near almost look forward to my next migraine.'

Dr Thornley, who is known in several nearby cities for his patented miracle elixer, states that the headache treatment is not the same, though he claims it is 'just as sweet'.  On the contrary, in fact, as Thornley continued, 'though my thoroughly fantastical elixer cures many ailments,  it is admittedly more likely to cause a headache, than cure it.  But, fear not, I fix that up in a jiffy!'

Though Dr Thornley's headache treatments have, thus far, been inflicted solely upon the women of the city, he says the men are also admissible.  'Their husbands are welcome to visit, of course, should they find themselves similarly afflicted.  It's quite possible, though scarcely probable, that the treatment would be just as gratifying for them.' he stated this morning to a reporter from the Free Press.