Destruction in Coronet Gardens

BUILDINGS FLATTENED

CITIZENS REPORT CAVORTING MONSTER

CHURCH FATHER DESCRIBES CITIZENS AS "PATHETIC"

NEW BABBAGE, NB — A victory for the Coronet Gardens Improvement League, who have been pushing for much of the delapidated neighborhood to be demolished, was struck early Friday evening, though possibly not in the manner the league had originally intended.

At approximately seven in the evening, the future home of the Geographical Society on West Abney Parkway was destroyed in a massive explosion which leveled the entire building.  The reason for the explosion is currently unknown, though officials have suggested a gas main leak as the potential cause.

Flying debris from the concussion soon leveled a condemned warehouse on the opposite side of Abney Parkway, next to the Bucket of Blood public house.  Fortunately, both buildings were empty at the time of the explosion.

Suggestions that the destruction was due to a large capering monstrosity were quickly nipped in the bud by Father Ora Moonwoll of the New Babbage Church of the Builder, who was an eye witness to events.  "The utter perfection of the Builder's work is not sufficiently exciting for some of our more pathetic citizens, who must always believe some diabolical force is behind every tragedy." he was quoted as stating earlier today.

Cleanup crews are being assembled at City Hall, and those needing day labor are encouraged to sign up with Mr R Dorchester at City Hall.

Open-Skulled Corpse Abandoned

RECENTLY WEALTHY MINER MURDERED HORRIBLY

MURDERER WAS INTERRUPTED

NEW KILLER ON THE LOOSE?

NEW BABBAGE, NB — A fresh corpse was discovered in the deep cold of late last evening, beneath the Tomahna Hall Bridge in the neighborhood of Coronet Gardens, the top of its skull lacerated with the brain beneath left exposed.

The body has been identified as one Mr D Stone, of Falun — a miner recently struck rich, taking in the pleasures of the big city — according to a source within the New Babbage Militia.

Robbery is not thought to be a motive, as the pocket book of the victim was found still upon his person, apparently unmolested; according to the source, the current suspected motive is medical testing, as the skull was expertly sawed open, and a syringe was found penetrating the bared organ.

'It would seem that whomever perpetrated this heinous crime was interrupted before they could finish whatever it was they started.' stated the source, who wished to remain nameless.

Dr M Miggins, New Babbage City Coroner says this body does not seem related to the recent string of unsolved murders in the city, 'Those bodies were mauled by some manner of beast, this act was performed with surgical precision.' he stated earlier today, to a member of the Free Press.

Doctor Cures Housewives Headaches

DOCTOR REFUSES TO DIVULGE TECHNIQUE

WOMEN LOOK FORWARD TO FUTURE HEADACHES

MEN UNLIKELY TO FIND 'GRATIFICATION'

NEW BABBAGE, NB — A Coronet Gardens doctor, who recently opened practice, has been finding gargantuan success in the act of curing acute headaches suffered by many of the housewives of the city.

Dr S Thornley, originally of Coney Island NY, has discovered a method of relieving the pain frustration and anxiety that many of the fairer sex are commonly afflicted with in New Babbage.

Though he refuses to divulge the precise method by which these ailments are relieved — citing professional rivalry as the reason — he assures the Free Press that his tactics are both assured and beneficial.  Mrs P Hyperboria, a chronic patient, agrees, 'Dr Thornley's treatments are both vigorous and soothing, I near almost look forward to my next migraine.'

Dr Thornley, who is known in several nearby cities for his patented miracle elixer, states that the headache treatment is not the same, though he claims it is 'just as sweet'.  On the contrary, in fact, as Thornley continued, 'though my thoroughly fantastical elixer cures many ailments,  it is admittedly more likely to cause a headache, than cure it.  But, fear not, I fix that up in a jiffy!'

Though Dr Thornley's headache treatments have, thus far, been inflicted solely upon the women of the city, he says the men are also admissible.  'Their husbands are welcome to visit, of course, should they find themselves similarly afflicted.  It's quite possible, though scarcely probable, that the treatment would be just as gratifying for them.' he stated this morning to a reporter from the Free Press.

Art Museum Opens In Clockhaven

HOTELIER OPENS GALLERY

SAYS ARTISTS ARE DESTITUTE

PHILISTINE BUTCHER DISAPPROVES

NEW BABBAGE, NB — If a city's worth is measured by its devotion to the arts, let it be known that New Babbage is this day rather corpulent indeed, as hotelier Mr V Morningtea of Brunel Hall inaugurates the New Babbage Gallery of Art in the Clockhaven district.

The opening of the museum — which is situated on the waterfront of Clockhaven Port, on Harrison Street at Temple Lane — will give aspiring and established artists a chance to display their works to the public.

Mr Morningtea believes this to be an important aspect of the museum, stating, 'As we all know, artists are scraping by day to day, which is why citizens who are invited to show their work in the museum will be able to sell them... so everyone can enjoy their fine work.'

Not all citizens, however, share the wealthy hotelier's excitement over the opening.  Mr R Bohns, owner and proprietor of RB Meats Butcher Shop in Coronet Gardens, was quoted as stating, 'Only art [which] gets my hackles up is wanted posters. So long as I'm not on them, I don't have to worry none.'

Mr Morningtea is confident Babbagers will respond enthusiastically to the gallery, and vehemently denies the gallery is any way a tax dodge.

Vice On The Rise in West End

ENTIRE BLOCKS RAZED

GANGS CONTROL CITY STREETS

URCHINS TO BLAME, SAYS BUSINESS OWNER

NEW BABBAGE, NB — Despite concerted efforts to weed out vice in the increasing derelict west end of New Babbage, the crime rate continues to ascend.  In the last year several entire blocks have been razed in the neighborhood of Coronet Gardens — an area known colloquially as 'The Gut' to citizens of the city — in an effort to force the criminal element out of the area.

Muggings and pickpocketing have been on an increasing rise in the neighborhood, which is known to be brutalized by vicious gangs like The Pennyfarthing Boys and The Brass Knuckle Bunch, for over twenty years.

Longterm Coronet Gardens business owner Mr T Eaton, of Eaton and Drynkin Grocers, stated that he was 'dismayed at the' amount of 'crime in the area', and feels that something must be done 'in order to protect the upstanding citizens of [New] Babbage, as well as their property'.

Another neighborhood business owner, who wished to remain nameless, believes he knows exactly what must be done, stating: 'It is all these urchins; rebuild the workhouses and get them off the streets!'

A single block torn down last year, known in the area as 'the Devil's Closet' — which housed, amongst its plethora of immoral activities, a crudely built shanty bar built by, and for, street urchins — held a higher annual crime record then the entire nearby townships of Falun, Lobo, or Phaeton's Landing.

Hoodoo Man Practices Medicine Without License

FOOD POISONING RELIEVED THROUGH HUMBUG

LOCAL MOUNTEBANK OUTRAGED

PLACEBO EFFECT AT WORK, CORONER SAYS

NEW BABBAGE, NB — An aged octogenarian, who practices the ostensibly mystical craft known as 'hoodoo', has begun to take patients in the Coronet Gardens neighborhood of west New Babbage, despite lacking a medical license, or any traditional training.

Mr L Laurent, aged 82, recently achieved neighborhood notoriety after successfully treating several serious cases of food poisonings.  He claims to have learned the ancient folk techniques from his mother and grandmother.

Dr S Thornly however, who shares the adjoining office, is not as enthusiastic about the hoodoo techniques.  'It's hocum. Malarky.  Humbug.' he stated, earlier today.  'I've seen how he treats food poisonings... some boiled weeds in a mason jar, rubbed on a black cat, then sipped by the patient.  It's madness, I say.'

'I can treat food poisonings as well.' he continued, agitated.  'Dr Thornly's fantastical elixer treats ailments of all types, including diarrhea measles mumps chicken pox and hangovers.'

Dr M Moggins, formerly a practicing physician and now New Babbage City Coroner, stated to the Free Press, 'This sort of reaction is not uncommon.  It is known as the placebo effect.  The likelihood is that these patients recovered on their own, and would have without visiting this quack.' He further stated,  'The genuine danger is that, in future, these patients may visit the charlatan when ailing with something serious, which could well prove disastrous.'

The Free Press had received no response from officials at City Hall at time of printing, regarding the legality of Mr Laurent's practice.

Small Town Man Moves to the Big City

NEW BABBAGE, NB — The chief difference, it is immediately evident, between a small town and a large city, is a vertical one; whereas a small town moves slowly and horizontally across the landscape, a city stretches both across the landscape, and yet reaches also, up toward the heavens - just ask the man who only today landed in New Babbage, ready to begin life anew.

The moment the dirigible airship landed, the very height of the city astounded our small town man.  He was immediately greeted by a tall friendly man sporting an impressive stovepipe hat, he introduced himself as Mr O Underbean, chief advisor and assistant to the mayor, Clockwinder Tenk.  He seemed intent on individually meeting every person who exited the craft, perhaps due to his temporarily holding the mayor regent title in the absence of Mr Tenk, a fact he seemed intent on relaying, mentioning it several times in their short conversation.

Our small town man was pleasantly mystified by this personal treatment, expressing the opinion that this sort of behavior is generally believed to be the sole domain of smaller communities.  Mr Underbean scoffed at such a notion, describing the city of New Babbage thusly as 'a tight knit community, in fact one could accurately say many of its citizens are at one another's throats in perpetuity.' To prove the amiability of the city to newcomers, the advisor and assistant to the mayor offered to personally see to the placement of our small town man in a rental office, in one of the city's most popular areas, one known locally as 'the Gut'.

It would seem that the small town notion of the large metropolis swallowing not only individuality, but also morality and brotherhood, is an antiquated one.