Frigid Temperatures Plunge Further

YOUTHS AND ELDERLY URGED TO STAY INDOORS

IMBIBING OF SPIRITS ENCOURAGED

NEW BABBAGE, NB — The mercury all around the city has dipped well below average temperatures for this time of the year, reaching a record low late in the afternoon today, causing worry to some citizens.

Both young unfortunate urchins, who wildly roam the city streets in surprising droves, and the perpetually confused, are particularly susceptible to plummeting temperatures at this time of the year, according to an official at City Hall.  The official also added that the best solution to combating the weather is to simply stay indoors, and citizens should 'take extra care bundling and not move from the extremes of fireside temperatures to outdoors too quickly to reduce shock and stress.'

A local doctor, however, suggests an alternate method: imbibing of strong liquors.  Dr S Thornly, originally of Coney Island NY, suggests 'alcoholic liquor is scientifically proven to raise body temperature and sharpen senses', both which, he claims, are useful tools against the biting cold.

The mayor's office asks citizens to be on the lookout for His Imperial Majesty Ezra II during the cold snap, as he has a tendency to fall asleep in snow drifts whilst inspecting local gutters.

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Mysterious Vapor Envelopes City

MARSH GAS DRIFTS IN FROM FELLS

MASS HALLUCINATIONS ALLEGEDLY WIDESPREAD

CORONER CLAIMS HYPERBOLIOSIS IS 'TWADDLE'

NEW BABBAGE, NB — If modern science can be believed, a curiously pernicious vapor drifted recently into the city of New Babbage, causing wild and widespread hallucinations in its citizens.  This mist, it is said, is to blame for the questionable decisions leading to the recent curfews and the bizzarre and extreme reactions which followed.

The hallucinations are apparently the result of a condition known as hyperboliosis, which was caused by extensive inhalation of vapors believed to have originated in the Fells, north of the city.  The effects, according to Dr S Thornley, are wild hallucinations and extremem reactions to the hallucinations.

'Mass hallucinations are not at all uncommon.  The good news is, no permanent damage has ever been reported connected with hyperboliosis,' he said earlier today to a representative of the Free Press, and continued, 'however, it is important for citizens to maintain a skeptical attitude toward any memories they may harbor about the last 30 days or so.'

Dr M Miggins —New Bababge Coroner and physician for over 25 years— claims not to be familiar with any condition, defect, or disease, known as hyperbolios.  He stated, 'It doesn't mean anything.  The word is meant to sound greek, but it's nonsensical twaddle. There is no such condition.'

Regardless, vaccinations will be available, gratis, at City Hall throughout the first week of February.

Doctor Cures Housewives Headaches

DOCTOR REFUSES TO DIVULGE TECHNIQUE

WOMEN LOOK FORWARD TO FUTURE HEADACHES

MEN UNLIKELY TO FIND 'GRATIFICATION'

NEW BABBAGE, NB — A Coronet Gardens doctor, who recently opened practice, has been finding gargantuan success in the act of curing acute headaches suffered by many of the housewives of the city.

Dr S Thornley, originally of Coney Island NY, has discovered a method of relieving the pain frustration and anxiety that many of the fairer sex are commonly afflicted with in New Babbage.

Though he refuses to divulge the precise method by which these ailments are relieved — citing professional rivalry as the reason — he assures the Free Press that his tactics are both assured and beneficial.  Mrs P Hyperboria, a chronic patient, agrees, 'Dr Thornley's treatments are both vigorous and soothing, I near almost look forward to my next migraine.'

Dr Thornley, who is known in several nearby cities for his patented miracle elixer, states that the headache treatment is not the same, though he claims it is 'just as sweet'.  On the contrary, in fact, as Thornley continued, 'though my thoroughly fantastical elixer cures many ailments,  it is admittedly more likely to cause a headache, than cure it.  But, fear not, I fix that up in a jiffy!'

Though Dr Thornley's headache treatments have, thus far, been inflicted solely upon the women of the city, he says the men are also admissible.  'Their husbands are welcome to visit, of course, should they find themselves similarly afflicted.  It's quite possible, though scarcely probable, that the treatment would be just as gratifying for them.' he stated this morning to a reporter from the Free Press.

Hoodoo Man Practices Medicine Without License

FOOD POISONING RELIEVED THROUGH HUMBUG

LOCAL MOUNTEBANK OUTRAGED

PLACEBO EFFECT AT WORK, CORONER SAYS

NEW BABBAGE, NB — An aged octogenarian, who practices the ostensibly mystical craft known as 'hoodoo', has begun to take patients in the Coronet Gardens neighborhood of west New Babbage, despite lacking a medical license, or any traditional training.

Mr L Laurent, aged 82, recently achieved neighborhood notoriety after successfully treating several serious cases of food poisonings.  He claims to have learned the ancient folk techniques from his mother and grandmother.

Dr S Thornly however, who shares the adjoining office, is not as enthusiastic about the hoodoo techniques.  'It's hocum. Malarky.  Humbug.' he stated, earlier today.  'I've seen how he treats food poisonings... some boiled weeds in a mason jar, rubbed on a black cat, then sipped by the patient.  It's madness, I say.'

'I can treat food poisonings as well.' he continued, agitated.  'Dr Thornly's fantastical elixer treats ailments of all types, including diarrhea measles mumps chicken pox and hangovers.'

Dr M Moggins, formerly a practicing physician and now New Babbage City Coroner, stated to the Free Press, 'This sort of reaction is not uncommon.  It is known as the placebo effect.  The likelihood is that these patients recovered on their own, and would have without visiting this quack.' He further stated,  'The genuine danger is that, in future, these patients may visit the charlatan when ailing with something serious, which could well prove disastrous.'

The Free Press had received no response from officials at City Hall at time of printing, regarding the legality of Mr Laurent's practice.