Iron Staircase Stolen

STAIRCASE WENT MISSING IN THE NIGHT

IMPRESSIVE JOB, SAYS CITY WORKER

STAIRCASE POSSIBLY BEING MELTED DOWN INTO BULLETS

New Babbage, NB — The spiral iron staircase leading up to the Iron Bay Terminal tram stop, at the end of the Brunel line in Coronet Gardens, was absconded with recently.

Nobody seems sure when exactly the staircase went missing.  "I noticed it about a week ago." said a gentleman who wished to be known by the non de plum of Count Ballona.  "I use that staircase to come and go from the Bucket [of Blood] across the way there.  One day it was just, poof, gone."

Mr T Stanhope from the New Babbage Department of Transportation said to a reporter from the Free Press earlier today: "It'd be a [REDACTED] job getting one of them staircases off, especially with nobody seeing.  I mean, it was right across from your newspaper's office, did you see anything? Impressive."

Some citizens see this as an indication of a growing trend in municipal affairs.  "Ever since that fire at the Town Hall, and Mr Undrby moved his office to a tavern, all of a sudden there's corpses on the canals, staircases are disappearing, what's next?" said a citizen of Coronet Gardens who wished to remain nameless.  Mr Undrby was unavailable for comment at the time of publishing.

That the staircase was being melted down for ammunition in a looming gang war is still unconfirmed by the New Babbage Militia at this point, but the Free Press will continue to monitor the situation.

Photograph Taken of Clockhaven Harbor Horse

PHOTO DEPICTS CREATURE SWIMMING

SIGHTINGS DATE BACK DECADES

MONSTER REPORTED TO FEAST ON HUMAN FLESH

CLOCKHAVEN, NB — A photograph was recently taken by an anonymous source which allegedly depicts what has been dubbed the Clockhaven 'Harbor Horse' by eye witnesses.

The photograph, which is now known as 'the Doctor's photograph', is rather grainy and blurry, yet distinctly shews a dark object seemingly moving through the frigid murky waters of Clockhaven Harbor in broad daylight.  Two appendages can be made out on top of what is purported to be the creature's head—the 'ears' or 'horns', those who have spotted the mysterious creature have marveled at how the beast resembles a land horse, resulting in its moniker of the 'Harbor Horse'.

Sightings of the creature have reportedly gone back decades.  The earliest recorded sighting being in 1792, when the creature was alleged to have leapt from the brine of the harbor and lumbered up Doagrun Road on paddled legs, where it reportedly battled a clockwork bear in Market Square.  The end results of that battle are hotly disputed by historians.

Dr T Frang, New Babbage zoologist, denies the existence of the Harbor Horse.  "If such a creature existed, I would know about it.  Believe me, I would love for it to exist.  My granny used to keep me awake at night with stories of the Harbor Horse, but it's sadly a myth." he stated to the Free Press earlier today.  When asked for an opinion on the photograph, he responded: "It's a submersible of some sort.  They are all the rage these days."

Citizens have been besieging the harbor with harpoons since news of the photograph broke on the streets days ago.  None agree on exactly what the creature may be, but all seem to agree it will probably be delicious.  "Anything's an improvement on wiggyfish." said Horace Franklin, of Coronet Gardens, to the Free Press.

Reports that the alleged creature feasts solely on human flesh have remained unconfirmed at the time of printing.

 

Open-Skulled Corpse Abandoned

RECENTLY WEALTHY MINER MURDERED HORRIBLY

MURDERER WAS INTERRUPTED

NEW KILLER ON THE LOOSE?

NEW BABBAGE, NB — A fresh corpse was discovered in the deep cold of late last evening, beneath the Tomahna Hall Bridge in the neighborhood of Coronet Gardens, the top of its skull lacerated with the brain beneath left exposed.

The body has been identified as one Mr D Stone, of Falun — a miner recently struck rich, taking in the pleasures of the big city — according to a source within the New Babbage Militia.

Robbery is not thought to be a motive, as the pocket book of the victim was found still upon his person, apparently unmolested; according to the source, the current suspected motive is medical testing, as the skull was expertly sawed open, and a syringe was found penetrating the bared organ.

'It would seem that whomever perpetrated this heinous crime was interrupted before they could finish whatever it was they started.' stated the source, who wished to remain nameless.

Dr M Miggins, New Babbage City Coroner says this body does not seem related to the recent string of unsolved murders in the city, 'Those bodies were mauled by some manner of beast, this act was performed with surgical precision.' he stated earlier today, to a member of the Free Press.

Doctor Cures Housewives Headaches

DOCTOR REFUSES TO DIVULGE TECHNIQUE

WOMEN LOOK FORWARD TO FUTURE HEADACHES

MEN UNLIKELY TO FIND 'GRATIFICATION'

NEW BABBAGE, NB — A Coronet Gardens doctor, who recently opened practice, has been finding gargantuan success in the act of curing acute headaches suffered by many of the housewives of the city.

Dr S Thornley, originally of Coney Island NY, has discovered a method of relieving the pain frustration and anxiety that many of the fairer sex are commonly afflicted with in New Babbage.

Though he refuses to divulge the precise method by which these ailments are relieved — citing professional rivalry as the reason — he assures the Free Press that his tactics are both assured and beneficial.  Mrs P Hyperboria, a chronic patient, agrees, 'Dr Thornley's treatments are both vigorous and soothing, I near almost look forward to my next migraine.'

Dr Thornley, who is known in several nearby cities for his patented miracle elixer, states that the headache treatment is not the same, though he claims it is 'just as sweet'.  On the contrary, in fact, as Thornley continued, 'though my thoroughly fantastical elixer cures many ailments,  it is admittedly more likely to cause a headache, than cure it.  But, fear not, I fix that up in a jiffy!'

Though Dr Thornley's headache treatments have, thus far, been inflicted solely upon the women of the city, he says the men are also admissible.  'Their husbands are welcome to visit, of course, should they find themselves similarly afflicted.  It's quite possible, though scarcely probable, that the treatment would be just as gratifying for them.' he stated this morning to a reporter from the Free Press.

Art Museum Opens In Clockhaven

HOTELIER OPENS GALLERY

SAYS ARTISTS ARE DESTITUTE

PHILISTINE BUTCHER DISAPPROVES

NEW BABBAGE, NB — If a city's worth is measured by its devotion to the arts, let it be known that New Babbage is this day rather corpulent indeed, as hotelier Mr V Morningtea of Brunel Hall inaugurates the New Babbage Gallery of Art in the Clockhaven district.

The opening of the museum — which is situated on the waterfront of Clockhaven Port, on Harrison Street at Temple Lane — will give aspiring and established artists a chance to display their works to the public.

Mr Morningtea believes this to be an important aspect of the museum, stating, 'As we all know, artists are scraping by day to day, which is why citizens who are invited to show their work in the museum will be able to sell them... so everyone can enjoy their fine work.'

Not all citizens, however, share the wealthy hotelier's excitement over the opening.  Mr R Bohns, owner and proprietor of RB Meats Butcher Shop in Coronet Gardens, was quoted as stating, 'Only art [which] gets my hackles up is wanted posters. So long as I'm not on them, I don't have to worry none.'

Mr Morningtea is confident Babbagers will respond enthusiastically to the gallery, and vehemently denies the gallery is any way a tax dodge.

Vice On The Rise in West End

ENTIRE BLOCKS RAZED

GANGS CONTROL CITY STREETS

URCHINS TO BLAME, SAYS BUSINESS OWNER

NEW BABBAGE, NB — Despite concerted efforts to weed out vice in the increasing derelict west end of New Babbage, the crime rate continues to ascend.  In the last year several entire blocks have been razed in the neighborhood of Coronet Gardens — an area known colloquially as 'The Gut' to citizens of the city — in an effort to force the criminal element out of the area.

Muggings and pickpocketing have been on an increasing rise in the neighborhood, which is known to be brutalized by vicious gangs like The Pennyfarthing Boys and The Brass Knuckle Bunch, for over twenty years.

Longterm Coronet Gardens business owner Mr T Eaton, of Eaton and Drynkin Grocers, stated that he was 'dismayed at the' amount of 'crime in the area', and feels that something must be done 'in order to protect the upstanding citizens of [New] Babbage, as well as their property'.

Another neighborhood business owner, who wished to remain nameless, believes he knows exactly what must be done, stating: 'It is all these urchins; rebuild the workhouses and get them off the streets!'

A single block torn down last year, known in the area as 'the Devil's Closet' — which housed, amongst its plethora of immoral activities, a crudely built shanty bar built by, and for, street urchins — held a higher annual crime record then the entire nearby townships of Falun, Lobo, or Phaeton's Landing.

Hoodoo Man Practices Medicine Without License

FOOD POISONING RELIEVED THROUGH HUMBUG

LOCAL MOUNTEBANK OUTRAGED

PLACEBO EFFECT AT WORK, CORONER SAYS

NEW BABBAGE, NB — An aged octogenarian, who practices the ostensibly mystical craft known as 'hoodoo', has begun to take patients in the Coronet Gardens neighborhood of west New Babbage, despite lacking a medical license, or any traditional training.

Mr L Laurent, aged 82, recently achieved neighborhood notoriety after successfully treating several serious cases of food poisonings.  He claims to have learned the ancient folk techniques from his mother and grandmother.

Dr S Thornly however, who shares the adjoining office, is not as enthusiastic about the hoodoo techniques.  'It's hocum. Malarky.  Humbug.' he stated, earlier today.  'I've seen how he treats food poisonings... some boiled weeds in a mason jar, rubbed on a black cat, then sipped by the patient.  It's madness, I say.'

'I can treat food poisonings as well.' he continued, agitated.  'Dr Thornly's fantastical elixer treats ailments of all types, including diarrhea measles mumps chicken pox and hangovers.'

Dr M Moggins, formerly a practicing physician and now New Babbage City Coroner, stated to the Free Press, 'This sort of reaction is not uncommon.  It is known as the placebo effect.  The likelihood is that these patients recovered on their own, and would have without visiting this quack.' He further stated,  'The genuine danger is that, in future, these patients may visit the charlatan when ailing with something serious, which could well prove disastrous.'

The Free Press had received no response from officials at City Hall at time of printing, regarding the legality of Mr Laurent's practice.

Public House Looks For New Cook

PUBLIC HOUSE SEEKS NEW COOK

OWNER CLAIMS RECENT POISONINGS UNRELATED

LONG HISTORY OF VICE ON SITE

NEW BABBAGE, NB — The Bucket of Blood Public House on Abney Parkway West, in the neighborhood of Coronet Gardens, is looking for a new cook for their establishment.

Owner, Mr B Heed, claims that the recent bouts of acute food poisoning emanating from the public house are unrelated to the current search for a new culinarian, stating, 'Miss Jones, the current cook, refuses to touch octopus, which I adore.'

It is currently unknown if the recent death of a Mr R Griswold, of food poisoning, is related to the spate of poisonings in the Bucket of Blood.

The public house, which opened in 1822 under the original name of The Coronet, has long been a den of vice, crime, and general immoral behavior, earning its epithet of 'the bucket of blood' long before officially changing the name in 1855.  Social crusader, Miss E Prim, successfully campaigned to have the establishment permanently closed 1869, remaining so until three years ago, when the public house was re-opened, under the new ownership of Mr O Underby.  Miss Prim was lynched by an unruly mob in 1870.

Applicants are asked to prepare an octopus dish before visiting the establishment for employment.

Public House Food Poisoning

SIX TAKEN AWAY ILL

ALL CONSUMED SAME DISH

OWNER UNREPENTANT

NEW BABBAGE, NB — Four men and two women were taken away gravely ill last evening from The Bucket of Blood Public House on Abney Parkway West, a notorious establishment in the neighborhood of Coronet Gardens.

All six of the afflicted had consumed a house dish known as srizzlesnake soup, prepared that day by manager of the establishment, Miss M Jones. 'Sure, all six of them ate the soup, so what.  So did twenty five others who didn't get sick.  People die every day.' she stated, when asked about the incident.

The Bucket of Blood has a notorious reputation for food poisoning, as well as many other crimes of vice: this past summer two died after 'Roadhouse Ribs Day' was celebrated, an entire class of schoolchildren suffered from severe diarrhea after a trip to the public house to find out how tripe pudding was made, and a rank batch of billybumbler steaks sent a large group to Wilde Hospital two years earlier.

Reports of the incident were laughed off by the owner of the establishment, Mr B Heed, who stated, 'People drink, people throw up, people drink more.  That is the business.'

Rumors of the undead working in the Bucket of Blood kitchens were met with no comment.