Iron Staircase Stolen

STAIRCASE WENT MISSING IN THE NIGHT

IMPRESSIVE JOB, SAYS CITY WORKER

STAIRCASE POSSIBLY BEING MELTED DOWN INTO BULLETS

New Babbage, NB — The spiral iron staircase leading up to the Iron Bay Terminal tram stop, at the end of the Brunel line in Coronet Gardens, was absconded with recently.

Nobody seems sure when exactly the staircase went missing.  "I noticed it about a week ago." said a gentleman who wished to be known by the non de plum of Count Ballona.  "I use that staircase to come and go from the Bucket [of Blood] across the way there.  One day it was just, poof, gone."

Mr T Stanhope from the New Babbage Department of Transportation said to a reporter from the Free Press earlier today: "It'd be a [REDACTED] job getting one of them staircases off, especially with nobody seeing.  I mean, it was right across from your newspaper's office, did you see anything? Impressive."

Some citizens see this as an indication of a growing trend in municipal affairs.  "Ever since that fire at the Town Hall, and Mr Undrby moved his office to a tavern, all of a sudden there's corpses on the canals, staircases are disappearing, what's next?" said a citizen of Coronet Gardens who wished to remain nameless.  Mr Undrby was unavailable for comment at the time of publishing.

That the staircase was being melted down for ammunition in a looming gang war is still unconfirmed by the New Babbage Militia at this point, but the Free Press will continue to monitor the situation.

WANT ADS

• The Bucket of Blood is looking for bartenders - all shifts.  Must be able to handle themselves, and keep unruly crowds in check.  Bringing your own club is a benefit.  Contact Miss Medusa Jones at 5 West Abney Parkway
• VOLUNTEERS NEEDED URGENTLY FOR SAFE MEDICAL TESTING - money to be made, no danger whatsoever.  Contact Dr S Thornley, #12 Fairbairn Street
• Young and attractive ladies are needed to work as entertainers in private events for gentlemen of means.  If you are skilled in one of the fine entertainment arts (dancing, singing, etc) and are not one to fade, Mr. Nicholas Herding would like to meet you to discuss further your opportunities for his upcoming season of popular shows.  Send inquiries directly to Mr. Herding.
• FROM BR 2 SM: 20.8.5 — 23.8.15.12.5 — 2.21.9.12.4.9.14.7 — 23.1.19 — 19.21.16/2.15.19.5.4 — 20.15 — 3.15.13.5 — 4.15.23.14

Reporter Locked Out Of Office

NEWSPAPER SHUT DOWN

4th ESTATE COMPROMISED

RETURN OF REGULAR SERVICE IMMINENT

NEW BABBAGE, NB — The madness of the recent weeks in the city reached its crescendo late last week, when Mr B Heed —owner and proprietor of the Bucket of Blood Public House on Abney Parkway West, in the borough of Coronet Gardens— changed the locks on the offices of the New Babbage Free Press, which shares the same property.

Mr O Penrose —publisher, editor-in-chief, and primary reporter for the New Babbage Free Press— was quoted as stating, 'It started with Mr Mornington and his annex, then the folks at the Gangplank jumped in.  It wasn't long before Mr Heed named his property Bucket Land.'

Based on the inked refuse left behind in the offices, now re-opened thanks to the Mayor's Office, it is thought that Mr Heed attempted to publish his own newspaper in the interim, but was unable to properly engage the delicate and complicated equipment therein.

While the damages to the office itself were significant, the long-term damage to the essential machinery was minimal and Mr Penrose assures the Free Press that the Free Press will be up and running at regular speed forthwith.

Public House Looks For New Cook

PUBLIC HOUSE SEEKS NEW COOK

OWNER CLAIMS RECENT POISONINGS UNRELATED

LONG HISTORY OF VICE ON SITE

NEW BABBAGE, NB — The Bucket of Blood Public House on Abney Parkway West, in the neighborhood of Coronet Gardens, is looking for a new cook for their establishment.

Owner, Mr B Heed, claims that the recent bouts of acute food poisoning emanating from the public house are unrelated to the current search for a new culinarian, stating, 'Miss Jones, the current cook, refuses to touch octopus, which I adore.'

It is currently unknown if the recent death of a Mr R Griswold, of food poisoning, is related to the spate of poisonings in the Bucket of Blood.

The public house, which opened in 1822 under the original name of The Coronet, has long been a den of vice, crime, and general immoral behavior, earning its epithet of 'the bucket of blood' long before officially changing the name in 1855.  Social crusader, Miss E Prim, successfully campaigned to have the establishment permanently closed 1869, remaining so until three years ago, when the public house was re-opened, under the new ownership of Mr O Underby.  Miss Prim was lynched by an unruly mob in 1870.

Applicants are asked to prepare an octopus dish before visiting the establishment for employment.

Emergency Care Facility Erected Next To Asylum

OWNER OF ASYLUM SPURRED TO HELP

CITIZENS OUTRAGED BY LACK OF CITY HOSPITAL

FOOD POISONINGS LINGER ON

NEW BABBAGE, NB — The owner of the Murgam Asylum, one Mr Z Carnagak, has been spurred by recent horrific events to commence construction on an emergency facility immediately beside his grim and imposing sanitarium.

The city has been without a full medical care facility since Wilde Hospital burned down under suspicious circumstances in July of last year, a situation which has not sat well with some citizens.

'It is altogether an appalling embarrassment that a city the size and [with the] reputation of New Babbage should go [for] so long without a proper hospital.' stated Mrs R Thistle of Wheatstone, to a representative of the New Babbage Free Press earlier today.

The new emergency care facility is being fully funded by Mr Carnagak.  When asked to confirm whether the construction was a response to the recent tragedy which occurred within his sanitarium, Carnagak merely stated that 'it would seem prudent, given the circumstances, to invest in an emergency care facility in this city.'

Several citizens still suffering from a spate of acute food poisonings originating from the Bucket of Blood Public House on Abney Parkway West have already lined up outside the construction site, in hopes of receiving medical aid.

Public House Food Poisoning

SIX TAKEN AWAY ILL

ALL CONSUMED SAME DISH

OWNER UNREPENTANT

NEW BABBAGE, NB — Four men and two women were taken away gravely ill last evening from The Bucket of Blood Public House on Abney Parkway West, a notorious establishment in the neighborhood of Coronet Gardens.

All six of the afflicted had consumed a house dish known as srizzlesnake soup, prepared that day by manager of the establishment, Miss M Jones. 'Sure, all six of them ate the soup, so what.  So did twenty five others who didn't get sick.  People die every day.' she stated, when asked about the incident.

The Bucket of Blood has a notorious reputation for food poisoning, as well as many other crimes of vice: this past summer two died after 'Roadhouse Ribs Day' was celebrated, an entire class of schoolchildren suffered from severe diarrhea after a trip to the public house to find out how tripe pudding was made, and a rank batch of billybumbler steaks sent a large group to Wilde Hospital two years earlier.

Reports of the incident were laughed off by the owner of the establishment, Mr B Heed, who stated, 'People drink, people throw up, people drink more.  That is the business.'

Rumors of the undead working in the Bucket of Blood kitchens were met with no comment.