Vandals Strike the City Archives

SUPERSTITION PROVED RIGHT

FIRE STRATEGICALLY PLACED

LOCAL HOTELIER TO BLAME?

New Babbage, NB — Those of a superstitious nature who enjoy rhapsodizing about our Town Hall being cursed in some manner have yet more evidence for their scrap books today. Once again the sacred structure at the heart of our fair sooty city was the target of wanton destruction by a crazed group of unknown vandals, this time it was the very memory of the city itself — the city archives, which were focused upon.

The blaze appears to have been strategically placed within an iron barrel where a plethora of carefully selected items from the archives were systematically conflagrated. The destruction was severe and an untold number of irreplaceable items have been irreversibly lost, however we at the Free Press are assured that the loss may well have been even more severe if it had not been for the early arrival of Miss J Ginsplurge of Clockhaven who recently took up a position within the archives.

"We don't even know how much has been lost yet." she told a reporter from the Free Press earlier today. "Me and Brother Sevan had just organized everything for filing away when this happened. It's very suspicious." When asked if she had any reason to suspect anyone of the heinous crime, she refused to point fingers, but did imply a certain local hotelier she has maintained a grudge with for some time may know something.

Brother Sevan believes lack of education is the root cause for the tragedy. "Uneducated children grow up in to uneducated hoodlums. A good mind must be put to use."

Chairwoman of the New Babbage League of Social Welfare and Reform, Miss E Crinnel, agrees with the clergyman. "What can we reasonably expect of these children when half of them cannot even read their own names? They should be learning ABCs, not sewing mittens in a workhouse."

Whether or not this sort of heinous act might be the handiwork of the anarchist group known as the Tiny Scallions is still currently unknown. Miss S Punchky of the New Babbage Fire Brigade could not be reached for comment at the time of printing.

City Plagued By Booby-Traps

TRAPS LITTER THE STREETS

CHILDREN IN GRAVE DANGER

CLOCKWORKS TO BLAME AGAIN?

New Babbage, NB — It seems that this sooty city of ours is never at rest from the darker elements of our world who stalk our streets lurking in dark corners and baiting traps for the innocent and easily duped.

Such is the case in our city for the past week, as a series of traps have been reported in all neighborhoods. "Reports coming in from all over the city, little traps built for children." said Mrs E Gleat of Babbage Canals, a member of the New Babbage League of Social Welfare and Reform. "Yet another example of the youth of our city being preyed upon, they are seemingly at constant threat."

Others, however, believe the traps may be intended with other targets in mind. "Sure, the traps could hold a kid." said Mr Y Hanning of Babbage Traps and Chili in Clockhaven. "But the traps could also be intended for raccoons, or possums, them little clockworks what make noise all night, that fat little urchin that steals pies from windows, could be a lot of things is the point."

Some reports claim the bait of the trap is a simple red button, causing some to wonder if the culprit behind the traps is a member of the Red Button Bandits. Ms J Daghart of the New Babbage Militia could not be reached for a comment at the time of printing.

GANGPLANK PUBLIC HOUSE HIRING

SOUGHT:

TRUSTWORTHY BARTENDER
Must be able to pour and mix drinks, serve patrons, and occasionally sneer to make them feel seen. Must also be willing to wipe counters, mop floors, and clean the unmentionable places in the bar. Long hours.

BAKER & CHEF
Must be willing to wake before dawn to purchase the freshest ingredients from the market, to prepare recipes to owner's specification, keep the ovens fired, and maintain a tidy kitchen. Aspic or gefilte fish will result in immediate dismissal.

ORDAINED CLERIC
To bless a rebuilt bar. Must provide own wine.

BOUNCER
Must be able to drive unsavory types from the bar and see to its general security. Must also safeguard confidential documents in the office and execute other top secret activities as assigned.

***All staff must be willing to maintain the privacy of the owner. They must not reveal her location to any old women with white hair and smelling of mothballs.***

PAY
Room & board, a small stipend, and tips. May choose from available apartments above the bar. No loud music. Pets must be approved.

Please inquire with Miss Jumper Ginsburg at the Gangplank Public House, Clockhaven, NB

Crazed Asylum Worker Vandalizes Newspaper Office

CRAZED MENACE RUNS AMOK!

FREE SPEECH UNDER ASSAULT BY RUFFIAN!

A staff member of the Murgham Asylum willfully and unlawfully damaged the back steps of the New Babbage Free Press office on Tuesday evening. Witnesses state that Dr. Rance Veterinarian began pulling apart the staircase in a frenzy of shouting and frantic activity, and despite his obvious age and infirmity pulled away several of the stair treads before running away towards the pumping station.

“He was acting all nervous and crazy-like” a local urchin was heard to say.

The readers should know that your local newspaper will not be deterred by this wanton attack on the Fourth Estate, and will not rest until the perpetrator is brought to justice for his crimes.

Pugh Lister, Staff Reporter NBFP

Rescue Team Disappears in the North

MURGAM ASYLUM CONNECTED TO RESCUE EFFORT?

CPT. HINREEKS RUMORED TO BE INVOLVED

TEAM ABANDONED BY CITY HALL

WULDRAM SHORES — Who rescues a rescue mission?  Mr Pendle, of the Clockhaven Wireless Telegraph Service, has confirmed that the CWTS has lost all contact with the rescue expedition which was launched to attempt to aid Dr A Falkone of the Clockhaven Power Station.

Dr Falkone journeyed north alone some weeks ago, via the airship Carpetia, attempting to ascertain why contact was lost with the northern Aquila IX Station in Wuldram Shores.  Shortly thereafter, New Babbage also lost contact with Dr Falkone.

In response, a rescue mission was formed, though an certain air of mystery surrounded the effort. Attempts by the Free Press to discover precisely who were members of the rescue team were firmly rebuffed by members of City Hall.  Eye-witness reports, however, have suggested Mr J Rite, head of security at the Murgam Asylum, and Miss B Strifkly, an orderly at the Murgam Asylum, were very strong candidates.  Mr Carnagak, owner of the Murgam Asylum, could not be reached for comment as to how the asylum was involved in the rescue effort, at the time of publishing.

Whether or not Captain B Hinreeks, of the New Babbage Militia, was a member of the now missing rescue party could not be confirmed.  Mr R Bolono of Wheatstone, volunteer member of the New Babbage Militia, was quoted as saying "I will not say for certain that [Cpt. Hinreeks] is not here, and I will not say for certain that she is here, but I really will not say she is not here."

Mr Pendle of the CWTS said he lost contact with the rescue team when they encountered another airship in an ice storm in the Hildskal Mountains, but would not confirm pirates were involved.

A representative of City Hall told the New Babbage Free Press that there are currently no plans to form another rescue team.

Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor,
Why is it that city officials are allowed to pull manifest destiny on a private business?  I cannot tolerate to buy business and harassment of my customers, not to mention the staff, NOT MINE, helping themselves to my stock every time I have to go in the back room.
sincerely, Piss Out Of Clockhaven



Dear Free Press,
Is there anything happening on Valentine's day? At all? I'm starting to get worried that something dreadful might happen soon, and am in need of some light-hearted merriment. As it stands, Valentine's day is only 3 days away, so perhaps that would be a good day to have fun.
Signed, Concerned Citizen



Dear Mr. Penrose, et al.
I am not typically the sort to complain or express moral outrage despite what people may say at the bingo hall. Nevertheless I feel it is my duty as a concerned citizen to both complain and express my moral outrage at a most egregious affront I was forced to endure in the park this afternoon at the hands of a hooligan wearing a ridiculous Pickelhaube helmet.

I want to state very clearly—I in no way encouraged this attack upon my dignity. With spring now upon us I was enjoying a quiet walk with my little shih tzu, Sue. The park has always been our go-to spot for an afternoon relief walk. I was aware Master Eliot was running his annual pancake race just up the road. It must be nearing a decade since that young absinthe enabler started organizing the pre-lent event. I would have watched but it is my understanding gambling often occurs at these races so I keep a respectful distance.

But I digress; the afternoon was beautiful. Sue and I were in our bliss when this madman  (who I have little doubt was a foreigner), brandishing a frying pan, screamed at me to get out of his way. He was running right at Sue and I. It was terrifying; he looked like one of those crazy people that are rightfully locked up in the asylum. I stood my ground. I’m not one to be cowed by bullies. I planted my hands on my hips and said, ‘Sir you will address me as Madame and doff your silly hat. I am a lady.’ It was then that he did it, he made a rude hand gesture and said words that moral righteousness will not permit me to put in writing—and the cad said those foul words in front of my shih tzu, Sue! Has he no shame? What in the name of the Builder has come of New Babbage!

Sincerely, Ms. Agnes Donoghue, Concerned Citizen

Hey Free Press,
A little birdie told me that a certain sneaky squire has left the Gangplank. I hear he quit his job as a bartender and ran off to work somewhere else. Sounds like a lead, don't you agree?
-X

Annual Pancake Race Marred By Cheating Claims

THIS YEAR'S RACE IN THE CANALS DISTRICT

YOUNG LAD WINS TWO

CHEATER CUT THROUGH THE PARK, WITNESSES CLAIM

New Babbage, NB  — The annual Pancake Toss Race was held again yesterday afternoon in the Canals District, at Doyle's Place, directly in front of Ruby's Public House.  This year's race was a circuit of the circumference of Steampunk Park.

The race, as is usual, was held in three sub-races, those being: Children's Race; Adult's Race; and All-In-One.

The Children's Race, and the All-In-One, were won by young master Jimmy Bracket, who has won several times in the past. "Oy's oike ta thank everyone faw their support awl year." he told a reporter of the Free Press yesterday afternoon, directly after his win.

The Adult's Race was the subject of some controversy, as charges of cheating were bandied by some in the crowd.  The winner of the race was ostensibly one Mr R Boloney of Wheatstone, though some have challenged his win, claiming he cut through the park during the run.  "It is quite true, I saw him duck into the park after having some trouble getting a good speed up after the shout of go was called." said a Mr R Upton of Babbage Square, to a representative of the Free Press.

"Nonsense." said Mr R Boloney, himself.  "They're all just jealous. Is it a cash prize?"

Underby Addresses Corruption Scandal

The New Babbage Free Press received this statement today:

As should come as no surprise, I am the owner of many companies throughout our fair city.  For this reason, it would be near impossible for any business to transpire in this city, without my being involved to some capacity.  This is not corruption, this is the burden of being overly philanthropic.  The newspaper needs to sell paper and charges of corruption move units, that does not make a charge true.

Mr Osgoode Underby, Personal Assistant and Advisor to the Mayor

Construction Corruption at the Top

TOWN HALL SCHEDULED FOR DEMOLITION

INSIDER SUGGESTS CONSPIRACY

FLAGRANT CONFLICT OF INTEREST UNEXPLAINED

New Babbage, NB — After an extended investigation, which lasted close to twenty-eight days, Town Hall has finally been officially designated as condemned by the city investigators, and scheduled for demolition.

"It is, indeed, a true shame that Town Hall could not officially open before it was scheduled for demolition."said Mr O Undorby to a representative of the Free Press earlier today, referring to the constant construction of the current Town Hall, which has been ongoing for the last two years, for unknown reasons.  When asked to comment on the unfinished state of the soon-to-be-demolished Town Hall, the assistant to the mayor chose to refrain from answering.

A source close to Town Hall, who asked to go unnamed, told a reporter from the Free Press that "the whole operation stinks" and that we should "follow the money trail".  Following this lead, the Free Press investigated the scheduled demolition company for Town Hall, Angry Eris Demolition of the Babbage Canals.  Ownership of the demolition company is recorded in city records as Thunderclap Holding Company.  Curiously enough, the principle shareholder of Thunderclap Holding Company is Mr O Undorby, the assistant to the mayor, Mosefano Tenk.

The Free Press decided to dig farther back and looked into O'Moloch Construction, the company responsible for the ubiquitous construction of the current soon-to-be demolished Town Hall, and found that the company was owned by a Maurice O'Moloch until five years ago, when O'Moloch mysteriously disappeared.  Ownership then transferred to the benefactor of O'Moloch's estate, curiously one Mr O Undorby, the assistant to the mayor, Mosefano Tenk.

Requests for comment have thus far been ignored by the office of the assistant to the mayor.

Wealthy Socialite Disappears in Bump

STEAMWEAVER DISAPPEARED WHILST "SLUMMING"

SOCIALITE FEARED TO HAVE BEEN CONSUMED

MORE CLASS INEQUALITY SAYS SOCIAL REFORMER

New Babbage, NB — Wealthy socialite Aldous Steamweaver, of the Palisade District, disappeared yesterday in the remote northern town of Bump.  He had allegedly travelled to the small town as an "elephant hunting" expedition, as the wealthy apparently refer to what is colloquially known as "slumming".

Steamweaver was traveling with his golfing partner, Efram Tripsa, who reported him missing after entering Bump Central Hotel, yet never exiting.  "[Aldous] went in to rent some suites for the two of us, and never returned.  After two hours or so I entered, enquiring as to his whereabouts.  The owners of the hotel fairly pretended he had never met Aldous!  I fear I am lucky to have escaped with my life!"

Rumors that unspeakable horrors take place  in the town of Bump have run rampant for years, though authorities have never officially investigated any disappearances.

Mrs E Crinkle of Babbage Square, of the New Babbage League of Social Welfare and Reform, claims this is another example of the jarringly different classes of our sooty city, "Many of our citizens have gone missing in Bump over the years, this is no secret... but not until a Steamweaver disappeared did it make the papers."

The New Babbage Militia is sending representatives to Bump to investigate the disappearance of Aldous Steamweaver further.  Captain Hienrix could not be reached for comment, as she is currently on an expedition to the far north.