DOCTOR REFUSES TO DIVULGE TECHNIQUE
WOMEN LOOK FORWARD TO FUTURE HEADACHES
MEN UNLIKELY TO FIND 'GRATIFICATION'
NEW BABBAGE, NB — A Coronet Gardens doctor, who recently opened practice, has been finding gargantuan success in the act of curing acute headaches suffered by many of the housewives of the city.
Dr S Thornley, originally of Coney Island NY, has discovered a method of relieving the pain frustration and anxiety that many of the fairer sex are commonly afflicted with in New Babbage.
Though he refuses to divulge the precise method by which these ailments are relieved — citing professional rivalry as the reason — he assures the Free Press that his tactics are both assured and beneficial. Mrs P Hyperboria, a chronic patient, agrees, 'Dr Thornley's treatments are both vigorous and soothing, I near almost look forward to my next migraine.'
Dr Thornley, who is known in several nearby cities for his patented miracle elixer, states that the headache treatment is not the same, though he claims it is 'just as sweet'. On the contrary, in fact, as Thornley continued, 'though my thoroughly fantastical elixer cures many ailments, it is admittedly more likely to cause a headache, than cure it. But, fear not, I fix that up in a jiffy!'
Though Dr Thornley's headache treatments have, thus far, been inflicted solely upon the women of the city, he says the men are also admissible. 'Their husbands are welcome to visit, of course, should they find themselves similarly afflicted. It's quite possible, though scarcely probable, that the treatment would be just as gratifying for them.' he stated this morning to a reporter from the Free Press.